HOW FAR I CAN LET YOU SINK

I bred the monster he became

The song I advice you is Holdind on to you by Twenty One Pilots, just read the lyrics. And the cover on the right because i wrote this while listening to that one. my neighbors probably hate this song now. lol. It took me so much to edit that picture on the right because i had to make those guys look like Ian and Anthony. I guess i failed. 

Now

“You know it, don’t you?” Says Jim and sighs. No answer comes from me. I hate when people remind me. I hate when people talk about him, they know nothing about Anthony or me. Of course I know what day is today, I haven’t forgot, how could I? I hear Melanie’s footsteps going down the stairs. She comes near me and leads her hand on my shoulder.

“Goodbye Jim.” I say and before I can hear him answer I hang up the phone. Melanie’s eyes were beautiful, and they still are, no matter the wrinkles around them. I look at her trying not to look sad and sick of that situation. She knows what I feel. Maybe not the whole situation, but she knows how much I cared and care about Anthony and how much is painful for me to talk about him. She never stops trying nevertheless.

“You should go to him.” She says but she knows my answer because is always the same.

“I can’t.”

“What’s stopping you Ian?” She says touching my harsh cheek. I guess nothing is stopping me but myself and guilt.

We finished our ‘early’ lunch and looked at the landscape around us: it had nothing special. The arid soil and the extremely high green trees were a quite beautiful contrast though. Anyway the memories it was awakening were the reason I liked that place. We were younger, happier and carefree; no schedule to be respected, no worries, no fans, no money that could change us, everything was easier.

We climbed our little mountain and sat on the edge. The wind was so strong that I could barely breathe and keep my eyes from watering. The rustle of the trees and some birds chirping was all we could hear. Anthony didn’t seem to worry about the whole situation and I wanted to know why. Did he know that all this was going to happen? Or maybe he just knew that nothing he could say or do would have changed much.

“Ok so since you’re the only one here who actually knows where we’re going and why, could you please share your thoughts with the class?” I said looking at two black birds chasing.

“We’re going to Seattle.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

“We’re going there because there’s a friend I can trust that’ll help us.” He said without changing the tone of his voice.  I nodded. That was really all I deserved to know? What if the bad guys found us and killed us? I wasn’t really thinking about Smosh because I wanted it to end anyways, maybe not that tragically. Smosh wasn’t my first problem, our safety was.

“So if this all ends well we could make a video out of it.” He jokes, his laugh was too nervous. That wasn’t going to end well for sure.

“Do you really want to carry on with Smosh?”

“Of course I do. That’s our life our-”

“Oh don’t start again. It’s always about Smosh, about you deciding everything. Have you ever asked me how I feel about? If I really wanted to do this all?”

“I did ask and you remember what you told me? You said that you didn’t have time for me then. So I asked you again and the answer was always the same. You never have time because you’re too busy being depressed and thoughtful. You always feel the victim. Have YOU ever asked me how I feel? Because I’m not good too, Ian. I have problems too, lots of them as you can see. But have you ever asked? Have you even helped me?” He stood up and looked at what was behind our shoulders.  I didn’t want to accept that, but he was right. I was always busy being angry at him, to actually care for him, and for what? For having a family? For being distant? I was distant too.  I felt so sorry and guilt.