HOW FAR I CAN LET YOU SINK

Hello

This bay never changed. This is where Anthony's ashes have been scattered; I asked for it. I wanted him to have the same smile he showed off here, ever after. I pray my feet not to fail me this time; I pray them with all of my heart to take me till the end of the cliff. I close my eyes and pretend I'm in church doing what I haven't done when it was the time because I was too afraid. I exceed stone after stone, pew after pew. All his loved ones are there, all except me...There is his mother and father, his brothers and cousins and all of his family and even half of mine, the half that knew him, loved him. I look in the eyes of the crowd to find Anthony's ones, but of course he's not there even if this ceremony is for him. I ask my knees not to give up because my eyes already have. Every step towards the lectern, towards the ledge of the cliff is a stab in my already massacred heart. I want him to be here with me and I have to accept he's not and will never be next to me again. The way to acceptance is difficult to follow and a long one, but I have promised. I promised. I feel guilty for his death, it should have been me...it should have...The wind makes more difficult to hold back the tears that by now are covering my cheeks. I'm now at the lectern, the edge, I can't escape. I hold in my hands what was in my left pocket. A letter and a picture, yes, THAT picture. The picture I thought I had lost in the fire, where Anthony and I were young and different. The doctors said they found it in his jeans pocket. He had it the whole time, he saved it and now he has to save me. The water hits the rocks and its splash is all that can be heard. I take a deep breath and start to speak, not to the imaginary crowd but to the wind, to the ashes that fly in it.

"I won't take much of your time... "I said to the wind, hopeful it would deliver the message to Anthony. "I just want to do what I haven't been able to when it was the time..." The wind keeps blowing careless of my words. "I know it's been a lot since the last time we talked and I know I've been distant but believe me... I've never forgotten you, how could I? You've been the best part of me, what kept me going, what made me remember what 'being loved' meant." The crowd is not paying attention to my words. Every person is gathering their stuff and leaving the room. Nobody looks at the broken man on the edge of the cliff, nobody pays attention to him. He's alone, he's sorrowful. I look at the people who stand at the door and look at me with disappointment. My mother is there, all I can see in her eyes is pity. She closes her eyes and follows the other people who disappear. I miss her. I am afraid to accept my loved ones death, but I always remember who leaves. I know I'm alone on a bay, I know my imagination is working too much but I need it. I need to know I can adjust things. The wind slows down, it's listening to me, and it's just us.

"I'm sorry for... "I decide to start differently "Lately, or better, since you flew away I became apathetic. I started to feel nothing towards people and alienated myself from them, because I felt guilty for what happened, for not listening to you, for not caring enough when you needed. The fact is that... it's true: it's my entire fault. And when I tried to keep you here, it didn't matter how strongly I had strained to keep you here, the angels put the wings on you and you couldn't help but fly towards the pearly gates." I have to sit down.

Head tilted down, knees on the ground I start speaking again. "I hope you forgive me for being a stupid kid." The picture is wrinkled and old, just like me. I show it to the wind. "I never said thank you for this and I guess I won't have another chance to tell you that." The waves grow violent and some drops of water join my salty tears. "I want you to have it because I don't deserve it. You might use it for better purposes." I throw the picture in the waves which capture it and swallow it in the abysses. I feel freer, clean. I stand up and smile to the bright sun which still shines after all. I turn around and I'm ready to go back to my dull life, but then I remember I have forgotten the most important thing I have to tell him so I turn around again and let the wind flow on my body and when it's time, I say it.