Am I Transgender?

Another Day, A Different Gender

     Hello everyone, and welcome to another game called "What is going on with my gender and general confusion crowding my life" sit back, feel free to grab a bowl of popcorn, and just read because honestly I feel like I have a lot to say.

     As you probably can tell I have a somewhat overwhelming problem with internal struggles with gender and what-not. Somedays it's full on ripping my shirt off my chest and burning every dress in my closet, other days it feels like I want to wear the dress. But most days are a combination of both, seemingly leaving me in the dust, feeling like a genderless soul, never knowing what my life will turn out to be, what my gender actually is.

     "Maybe it's just hormones, apart of growing up. I bet everyone questions their gender at some point" are words I'd tell myself so often, as if repeating them day after day would actually make them true. And for a time I did suppress it and thought it was all good, until little old me came stumbling upon this thing saying "If you're questioning your gender, chances are you aren't cis because cis people don't usually question that." At that moment I think that was when I really realized something, realized that I wasn't exactly cisgender. 

     From that day forth I've still suppressed my feelings, but I will have these days that feel so strong over one gender that it pulls me back into this storm of feelings again. And it all comes back to this one question "What's my gender?" 

     I always imagine simple things, like using a different name, or even using a gender fluid name and wonder what'd it'd be like having that name. I think about cutting all my hair off and seeing everyone's reaction. I've convinced myself so many times to cut it, but backed out so many times. I think about wearing "men's" clothes, being treated like a male. Usually thinking about that even just gives me a rush of happy feelings, wishing it were actually true, that I actually did all of that. Why can't I figure out my gender? Am I just genderless and confused? Am I transgender but scared to come out to myself?