Heart of a Mortal (Loki Romance)

Chapter 27

Loki's POV

Ebony was allowed to come and go it seemed. I could do nothing to stop her. She was more stubborn than I had ever imagined. I didn't understand it. I had to protect her from myself and my employer. She knew that. But I felt that she did understand the pain. Perhaps I had not done well in explaining it to her.

How could I explain that the night I attacked her, I was being punished as much as she? I had tried, all through the day to bargain and plead and demand that he let me work without his hand constantly on my head, without his breath on the back of my neck. His presence filled me with a cold even more devastating than the Casket of Winters. But he refused to let me go. I was weak and soft, burdened by conscience and love and he could not allow that to get in our way. So in the darkest reaches of my mind he remained.

The hallucinations and nightmares had dwindled as I accepted that. But the fear that he could make them a reality, the fear that for my insolence Ebony would suffer had only grown. For my disobedience, a pain I could not describe struck my mind and body. It weakened me, dragged me into a confining place of my own consciousness and let him do as he pleased with my body.

For my resistance and her meddling, I had attacked Ebony. Since then, he had plagued me with visions of her death. I had seen her die in front of me countless times, sometimes at my own hands. Each time the vision dissipated I found her standing in the glass cell with me, unharmed and unaware. How could I explain that her stubbornness tortured me as much as it did her? How could I explain that I truly wanted to protect her?

And why, after my cruelty and crimes, did she refuse to give up on me?

I stopped my pacing and turned to look at her. She sat on the bench in my cell, having returned a few hours after her suspicious revelation that she was pregnant. I wanted to be happy, to be home and with her and excited for the prospect of a child. But I could not bring myself to believe it. For her sake, I hoped it was a lie. Turning to her, I asked my question.

"Why won't you give up?"

She shook herself from her thoughts and frowned at me. "Give up on what?"

"Me."

I watched her swallow and look away. "I learned from the best." She muttered. I waited for her to explain. When she didn't, I sat down beside her. She slid closer and took my hand in hers, turning it over to trace patterns across my palm.

That simple touch alone was enough to send my employer into anger and to set my own heart racing. It seemed like years since she had touched me, since she had felt secure enough to be this close. I almost forgot what I had asked her, I was so caught up in the sensation of her skin on mine.

"You know Sammy? Liv's friend. Blonde, thinks you're cute." I nodded. "When we met her she was dealing with depression. When Liv found out, we got together and all of us promised that no matter what, we would be there for her. Her family wasn't the type to believe in depression as a sickness, it was just you being ungrateful or weak. So we stuck up for her. It took years but we tried our hardest, every chance we had, to prove that she was worth our time and love. That she mattered. And sometimes she would seem like she was getting better, you know?

"But when she fell back into it, she'd pull away and try to distance herself. But we didn't give up. Liv was," she laughed softly, "a crusader. It's hard, supporting someone who has depression. It's exhausting and disappointing sometimes. But Liv worked so hard and if it weren't for her, I don't think we would have been much help. She's a real pillar when you need one."

She looked at me now, gripping my hand tightly. "I put in too much time and effort to give up on you, Loki. And I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself. Okay? I still believe there's good in you."

I didn't trust myself to speak. My throat was tight and there was a warm pressure behind my eyes that I suspected were tears. I pulled my hand from hers and moved away.

"Besides," she said softly, "Someone has to support you in while your mother isn't here to."

I turned away from her, closing my eyes tight to keep the tears at bay. I had tried desperately not to think of Frigga since this began. I could only imagine what she would say. But I knew she could never hate me. Unlike Odin - who would disown me at the first chance - Mother would see me only as a lost child. She didn't have it in her heart to give up on me. I didn't understand such love and the thought that anyone could feel like that for me was too painful to consider. After all, what I had done to deserve it?

By the gods, I hated this! I hated this pulling, this constant war within me! I could not choose a side and stick to it. My mind was a slave to evil and my heart yearned for peace and what had I done but sold my soul to the very essence of everything I feared and broken my own heart in the process? I would never have any solace. There was no future in store for me that featured the barest glimmer of happiness.

I heard Ebony stand with a sigh but I could not turn to meet her gaze. Her hand passed gently across my back but I could only flinch away. She had seen the worst of me. Her allies watched my every move. For once, could I not have some privacy for my tears?

The door opened and closed and I watched from the corner of my eyes. The agent that monitored me followed her out, saying something I didn't care to hear.

You told me, Asgardian, that she was no problem.

I closed my eyes, pressing my fists to my temples. I wanted to push him out. I wanted to see him in the flesh so I could put a dagger through his heart and end this now. I wanted silence.

Should that continue to be a lie-

"Shut up!" I shouted. I felt his shock but it was quickly overcome by anger. I didn't care. I just wanted silence, just for one moment could I not be in peace! "Shut up."

I waited for his fury, knowing there would be pain and visions for my outburst. I tried to breathe deeply to stop my tears but they rushed relentlessly down my cheeks and shook within my chest. I felt weak and shaken and finally it struck that I was indeed horribly, overwhelmingly alone. I collapsed onto the bench with my head in my hands.

"Leave me alone," I pleaded, "please just leave me alone."

Let me remind you-

"Get out of my head!" I snapped, thrusting my hand aside as though to push him out. The cell was lit with a dark green flash. It streaked towards the wall. There was a crack and groan and the cell shuddered. I heard the clamps above loosen fractionally. An alarm beeped loudly. The doors opened again and the agent, still talking to Ebony, ran back in. He glared at me and secured the cell.

I looked up to see Ebony watching me with that same sad look in her eyes but I wanted none of her pity now. I looked away.

My employer was... Silent. And absent. Looking to watch Ebony leave, I felt for where he should be but found nothing save for my own thoughts. I knew I should have been glad but there would be a reckoning for my outburst. I hoped only that I would have time to get Ebony to safety before he struck.