Over Again

❝if you're pretending from the start❞

❝if you’re pretending from the start❞

c h a p t e r    t w o

      "I don't get it," Harry said. "How did he forget an entire year?"

      The doctor sighed and rubbed his temples. This had been going on for a while. I was still in shock, but Louis, Harry, Liam and Zayn had been flinging questions non-stop at him for the past fifteen minutes. "It's not permanent. He should remember eventually."

      "How long will it take?" Liam asked. Out of all of us, he was the only one who had managed to remain calm. Even so, you could tell he was faking it, trying to be strong for the rest of us. His hands trembled and his eyebrows scrunched together.

      But at least he was calm. He was asking logical questions, instead of sitting in stunned silence –me– or repeating statements of disbelief and questions of whether or not they were sure about Niall's condition- Louis, Harry and Zayn.

      "Hard to say," the doctor replied. "It could take anywhere from a couple weeks to a couple years."

      What?

      "Y-years?" Louis choked out after a long pause as the doctor's word sunk in. He looked at me with a part panicked, part sympathetic expression, but I refused to meet his eyes.

      Years. It could take years for him to remember. The songs for the tour wouldn't be so hard for him to relearn, and he could catch up on everything else that was going on through magazines, and the Internet. But there would still be that missing year, with things that hadn't been public, or couldn't be so easily explained. The inside jokes that probably wouldn't me as funny the second time around, the whispered secrets that probably didn't exist anymore, and... and us. I had met him last June, ten months ago. He didn't remember me. At all.

      And now thanks to Ashleigh, he thought I was dating Harry.

      "Would it help if we told him everything that happened?" Liam asked.

      The doctor shook his head. "In most cases they only get confused."

      "Is there anything you can do?" Zayn asked, though he looked doubtful.

      The doctor shook his head again. "It's up to Niall to remember. The most important thing is that you don't confuse him. Don't say something happened when it didn't." Well, that had kind of already been done. Ashleigh had told him I was dating Harry. "And don't tell him something about the past, then take it back." I swear this guy is psychic. So I guess that meant it would be a bad idea to tell Niall the truth.

      "We wouldn't do that," Harry said. "It's not a joke to us."

      "I'm sure you wouldn't. But some people don't realize how hard it is. Anything can confuse him and slow down him remembering." Something beeped. The doctor pulled a small device out of his pocket and checked it. "Other than his memory loss, he's okay. You can get him released today. Any more questions?" The guys exchanged a glance, then shook their heads.

      As the doctor walked away, I drew in a shaky breath. "He doesn't remember me. At all." And there was nothing to really remind him. I didn't really like taking photos, so there weren't many of those. Our relationship hadn't been public since I didn't like attention and because management had said no when we had asked to make it public. Only a handful of people knew.

      "He will. He loves you," Louis told me. Loved, I corrected, but didn't say it out loud. He doesn't remember me.

      I shook my head to clear my thoughts and looked down. "One of the doctor's suggestions is already broken." All of the guys whipped around to look at me. They didn't say anything, but there was utter confusion and disbelief written across their faces. "I walked in on Ashleigh and Niall... Kissing." It was hard to choke out that sentence, it felt wrong to say. My boyfriend and the girl who hated me because she was in love with him... And kissing.

      There was a long pause. A long enough silence to make me look up and glance at the guys' expressions. Louis looked frustrated, annoyed, but not all that shocked, unlike Liam who had his mouth wide open. Harry looked sympathetic, but it seemed forced. Like he was carefully making sure sympathy was the only thing he showed. I couldn't tell how Zayn felt. He didn't look incredibly angry or surprised, just tired.

      "I think she told them they had been dating," I continued when another couple moments of silence passed. I hadn't stuck around long after Ashleigh said I was Harry's girlfriend, but as I left, I had heard her tell him so much.

      "You're kidding me, right?" Louis demanded. I shook my head. Before any of the other guys had the chance to say anything, Ashleigh came down the hall. She walked over to her seat and grabbed her bag. I tried to ignore her messy hair and slightly swollen lips, but they were hard not to notice.

      "You lied to Niall," Liam said quietly, causing her to look up. There was something in his voice that told me there was more behind what his simple statement. I knew Ashleigh and Liam were kind of close; at least, he was closest to her other than Niall.

      "I told him I had always liked him as more than a friend," Ashleigh replied. "And he told me he had too." She flashed me a small smile. I think it was supposed to be smug, but it didn't quite turn out like that, almost like she couldn't, like she wasn't proud of it. Or maybe I was just going insane.

      "You're just going to make him more confused," I whispered. How could he be in love with her? If he didn't remember her... Did that mean he had been in love with her a year ago?

      "Maybe that's best," she said, turning to look at me. "After all, the accident is your fault.

      "Ash-" Liam started.

      She shook her head. "He loves me." No. No. No. She's lying. He never said anything about liking her. He would've told me, right? He had talked about her before, she was his childhood best friend, but he had never said he liked her as more than a friend.

      Liam sighed as we watched Ashleigh walked back down the hall to Niall's room. "Niall did like Ashleigh," he said, shooting me an apologetic look. Well there goes the she's lying theory.

      "What?" Louis demanded.

      "But it was before he met Sarah," Liam continued.

      "He doesn't remember Sarah..." Harry said, trailing off as he gave me a sad smile.

      "So he likes Ashleigh now," Zayn finished. I buried my face in my hands so the guys wouldn't see the tears in my eyes. My boyfriend, the boy I loved, didn't remember me. And he had been in love with someone else before he met me. And since he didn't remember me, he was back to being in love with them.

      Mom had said there was nothing that could change him loving him. That hadn't been true. Though, I doubt him losing a year of his memory had crossed her mind.

      "So we just tell him the truth," Louis said.

      "No, we can't," I blurted out, shocking everyone, even myself. The more I thought about it, though, the more it made sense. He didn't remember me at all. He didn't know me. We couldn't just tell him I was dating him. He's hate me, especially since he liked Ashleigh now.

      "Are you crazy? We have to tell him!" Louis exclaimed. Most of the guys nodded in agreement.

      Strangely, it was Zayn who stood up for me. "No, she's right. He doesn't remember her, and he thinks he's in love with Ashleigh. Telling him wouldn't do anything but confuse him because he doesn't know her." Or maybe it wasn't that strange. Zayn didn't really like me, and if I wasn't Niall's girlfriend anymore, I wouldn't be around much. Maybe not at all.

      Still, I was thankful he stood up for me. I wanted things be the way they had been before the accident, but I was scared. I would never admit this to the guys, probably not to anyone, but I was terrified that Niall would hate me. That he would pick Ashleigh over me. Not only because he didn't remember me, but also because the accident had been my fault. And if he didn't hate me... I think that would hurt a lot more than him not remembering me.

      "So what, we just play pretend?" Harry asked, sounding doubtful.

      I nodded, letting out a shaky breath. "We let him remember by himself."

      "That could take years," Louis pointed out.

      "I know." It was the only reply I could choke out.

      "You're still gonna stay with us, right?" he asked.

      Oh.

      Right, there was that. Going on tour with them for a month. The only reason I had planned to do that was to see Niall more. With me in college and him on tour and in England most of the time, we rarely saw each. Sure, there was texting, and phone calls, and Skype, but it wasn't the same as actually seeing him in person. But now, if he didn't remember me, well, we weren't together anymore. It didn't really matter if we saw each other or not because he was with Ashleigh now. Part of me wanted to stay; the guys were some of my closest friends. I loved them, and like Niall, I rarely got to see them. But seeing Niall and Ashleigh together... It'd hurt so much.

      "I don't know," I admitted. Seeing that they were about to protest, I quickly changed the subject. "The doctor said Niall could be released today. That means you guys can go see him."

      "You're coming with us." Louis pulled me up as they stood. I opened my mouth to protest, then shut it when he shot me a 'don't even'. As we walked down the hall, I realized I still hadn't told them about what Ashleigh had said. When Niall had asked who I was. Oh god, well, that would be an awkward conversation.

      "Uh, guys?" I said quietly. "There's one more thing Ashleigh told him."

      "There's more?" Louis asked, staring at me. I guess what I was about to say must have somehow shown on my face because Louis guessed the last thing Ashleigh had lied about. "She said you were dating one us, didn't she?"

      Slowly, I nodded.

      "Who?" Harry asked.

      Zayn rolled his eyes. "You," he said. "You're the only one of us who's not already dating someone."

      "Well, that just made things a lot more complicated," Harry remarked, eyes wide.

      "We don't have to go wi-" I started. Before I could finish, Niall's door opened and Ashleigh stepped out.

      "He's asleep," she told us.

      "You told Niall Sarah was dating Harry?" Louis demanded, glaring at her. They exchanged some kind of look I couldn't quite understand, which was strange, since there wasn't much Louis and Ashleigh had in common.

      Ashleigh broke eye contact first and turned to look at the rest of us, shrugging. "How else was I supposed to explain her?"

      "Oh, I don't know, maybe the truth?" Louis suggested, sarcastic venom dripping from his tone. Ashleigh only rolled her eyes in response. "We're telling him the truth."

      "You'll just confuse him. He remembers her, as Harry's girlfriend."

      "Have you already fed him a story full of lies?"

      "Louis, Ash-" Liam tried to interrupt. They both ignored him.

      "I'm doing what's best for him!" Ashleigh exclaimed. Ouch. That shouldn't have hurt, especially since it was Ashleigh's opinion, but it did, just a little. That someone thought I was bad for Niall. And I guess a part of me believed it, with the accident so fresh in my mind. It was pretty much my fault he didn't remember.

      "Yeah, keep telling yourself that!" With one last glare, Louis pushed past Ashleigh and walked into Niall's room, slamming the door behind him. There was a bit of shuffling, then a soft thud. The rest of stared at each other for a moment, shocked. Then Harry stepped around Ashleigh and tried the door handle.

      It didn't move.

      Harry sighed. "He put a chair up against the door."

      "I'm going to get a doctor," Ashleigh announced, spinning around.

      Harry grabbed her wrist before she could. "No, you're not."

      "Harry, let go," she said. I blinked at the sudden change in her tone. It was softer, more delicate. So she's either trying to seduce him into letting her go, or appear more innocent. Except, why would it work on Harry? I mean, he didn't outright hate her like Louis did, but he wasn't close to her. Not like Niall, or Liam were.

      For a moment, he seemed to almost give in. Then he shook his head, a bitter smile on his face. "If Louis wants to tell Niall the truth, I'm not letting you stop him." For a moment, they just stared at each other, Ashleigh looking mildly surprised by his resistance and Harry.... Harry looked almost cruel, like he was challenging her.

      "Fine." Ashleigh stepped back and slid down the wall until she was sitting on the ground, wrapping her arms around her knees. And that was how the rest of us waited. Sitting on the ground in a line, backs braced against the wall, beside the closed door of Niall's room.

      "You okay?" I asked Harry. He looked distracted, annoyed, sad, bitter, a whole multitude of emotions.

      "I'm fine." His abrupt answer told me he didn't want to talk about it. So I didn't push. Instead, I let my mind wander to what Louis could possibly telling Niall right now. If he was telling him anything at all, that is. If he was explaining, there should've been a lot more noise, right? Maybe Louis wouldn't even be able to tell Niall. Niall was a heavy sleeper, usually you had to scream or shake him to get him up. And from the silence, I don't think Louis was screaming at Niall.

      After a couple minutes of silence, Liam stood up and left to call Niall's parents and tell them he was awake. They wanted to be here, but Denise, Niall's sister-in-law was in labor. That was another thing Niall wouldn't remember. I hadn't thought about it until now, but he wouldn't remember everything that had happened with his family in the past year. I had selfishly and stupidly thought it was just me and the new songs he couldn't remember, but he had probably forgotten about Greg and Denise's wedding, and Denise being pregnant, and the smaller things like Skype sessions with his mom, and going back home to Mullingar when he had a break.

      I sighed and rested my forehead against my crossed arms. If this hadn't happened, if I had been watching the road, we wouldn't be here right now. Louis, Harry, and Liam had all told me not to think about it, that I couldn't change it, but it was hard. So much had changed because of the accident.

      Because of me.


♡over again♡


      "I didn't tell him," Louis said. It was the first thing he had said since he left Niall's room. Louis, Harry and I were on our way back to the house to store away any obvious thing that showed that me and Niall had dated. There wasn't a lot, since this was their LA house and their real homes were in England. They only used this house when they were on tour. They took a long break here, usually for a month.

      Liam, Zayn, Ashleigh and Niall were still at the hospital. Liam and Zayn were dealing with the paperwork while Ashleigh and Niall were... Well, I didn't want to think about what they were doing. We had about an hour before they came back.

      Harry -who was driving since I was still too nervous to get behind the wheel- glanced at him through the rear view mirror, but didn't say anything.

      "Why'd you wait so long to answer?" I asked curiously, twisting in my seat to look at him.

      Louis shrugged. "Wanted to see Ashleigh panic a bit. But she'll know I didn't when Niall doesn't glare at her hatefully," he replied.

      Harry snorted. "Except he wouldn't do that even if you told him."

      "I wanted to tell him, but..." Louis sighed and trailed off, not bothering to finish the sentence.

      "He was asleep?" I suggested, since I actually curious as to why Louis hadn't told. I wasn't sure if I was relieved or disappointed that he hadn't. I had mixed feelings on all of this.

      He shook his head. "And you and Zayn were right. It would only confuse him."

      Harry pulled to a stop in front of the house. "Time to get to work," he announced, pulling the keys from the ignition.

      We spent the first half an hour moving my stuff out of Niall's room and Niall's stuff out of mine. We hadn't shared a room, but enough of my stuff had somehow ended up in his room, and vice versa.

      The rest of the hour was spent taking down the few photos there were of us, deleting texts or emails off his computer and phone, and hiding away anything that out right showed our relationship. Louis had convinced me to leave small stuff around, like the CDs of our favourite artists that we had exchanged, or the tickets snubs from movies we had see together that were lying on his desks.

      They would help him remember quicker. Hopefully.

      I turned to look around Niall's room. Harry and Louis were downstairs making sure there weren't any photos. This'll probably be the last time you're in here for a while, I thought. I could come here if Niall was out, of course, but I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do that. Aside from a couple magazine stories, and friends talking, I didn't really know what he had been like last year, before I met him. I didn't know if what he liked had been different. I had gotten used to the Niall I knew.

       It's not like he'll be a completely different person, I told myself.

      You don't know that, a small voice whispered in the back of my mind. Great, now I'm having arguments with myself.

      I shook my head to clear my thoughts, and focused on checking his room. The only thing left was a photo of us on his nightstand table. It was from the last time we had seen each other, two months ago. He had came to visit after the European part of their Take Me Home tour, before they started on the States.

      It was our six month anniversary. Except, I hadn't told Niall that, so I wasn't sure if he knew. Still, he had promised a Skype session tonight. I knew it might take a while for him to get on since he was flying from England to New York, but midnight was our rule. He had always told me not to wait for him past midnight.

      Just as I was about to give up and go to bed, there was a light knock at the front door. I glanced at the clock. It was almost midnight. Mom was asleep and Dad was staying at the hotel tonight. I hadn't invited anyone over. Carefully, I set down my laptop and grabbed a book from the table, then tiptoed to the door.

      A book won't be able to much damage, I thought as I opened the door. Turns out I didn't need to.

      Because Niall was standing in front of me.

      "What are you doing here?" I whispered, fully aware I looked like crap. My hair was in a messy braid, and while I wasn't wearing my pajamas, I wasn't in neat clothes either. Not how I wanted him to see me in person for the first time in three months. I opened the door further so he could come in.

      He checked his watch and grinned. "Two minutes to midnight," he said quietly. "Happy six months."

      I let out a soft gasp and dropped the book. "You knew?"

      "I'm a little offended you thought I wouldn't," he replied. I grinned and stepped closer to him, winding my arms around his neck. I pulled him inside and he kicked the door shut before pressing his lips to mine.

      I will never get tired of kissing Niall. I swear, I could do it for the next a hundred years and I wouldn't get sick of it. I tangled my fingers in his soft hair as his arms wound around my waist. It felt so familiar being in his arms. This was definitely one thing I had missed. You couldn't really kiss over Skype, or text, or phone. As cliché as it sounds, I wouldn't be able to tell you how long we stood there, kissing, in my front foyer. It was one of those long, slow kisses.

      I could feel everything. My senses were overwhelmed with Niall. The faint, warm scent of cologne clung to him. His body was warmed pressed against mine, but his hands were cold on my waist. It was quiet, aside from the sound of the occasional car driving by. It was just us.

      "I missed you," I whispered as he pulled away. He was actually here. I couldn't see a lot in the dark, which was a little upsetting because I wanted to see him. I mean, we had Skyped almost every day, yeah, but still.

      "Me too." He let out a quiet chuckle. "You know when I was singing, I kept imagining your face," he said.

      "Didn't you say you saw a sort of faceless void when you looked into the crowd, though?" I couldn't help but tease. It was a romantic thing to say, but since I was me, I responded with the weirdest thing. "Awww," I cooed playfully as he blushed.

      Niall rolled his eyes. "Hey, I'm allowed to miss the girl I love!" he exclaimed. I felt my eyes to wide at his choice of words. Love? He froze, then let out a quiet curse. "Well that wasn't how I planned on saying it."

      Of course, I had to blurt out the first thing that came to mind. "Are we going to have to do a re-do, then?"

      Niall pouted. "Did my love confession just get rejected?" His tone was joking, but his blue eyes were serious. He tried to smile, but it was a little shaky. He's nervous, I realized. Wow, I'm a horrible person.

      "No," I said quietly. I cleared my throat. "I love you too."

      I swear, if it had been possible, his smile would've lit up the whole room. "I love you, Sarah," he whispered, pulling me closer to him. I grinned, burying my face in his shoulder as I hugged him back.

      Any other girl probably would've wanted something bigger. A romantic dinner or gift for a six month anniversary, maybe a prepared speech about how much the guy loved her. Just like Prince Charming.

      But I wouldn't trade what had just happened for the world. I valued any time I got to spend with Niall because I never got much in the first place. So if our six month anniversary was spent in my living room, watching old movies and TV shows that made me cry, I was happy with that. Yeah, I guess an ‘I love you’ at one in the morning in my living room with my mom upstairs sleeping wasn't a super adorable story to tell anyone, but I was okay with that.

      Because it was Niall. Not Niall Horan, one fifth of the world famous boy band, but my dorky, amazing, kind boyfriend.

      It was real.


♡over again♡


      I woke up to a soft murmuring. I blinked a couple times, then opened my eyes, only to close them again a couple seconds later. My room usually wasn't so bright. And I usually didn't wake us so warm either...

      My eyes snapped open.

      Before I had the chance to look around, I was blinded be a camera going on. As I slowly regained my sight, I realized I was still on the couch, curled up around Niall. Mom stood above us, a camera in her hands.

      I was instantly horrified. "Mom!"

      "What?" she asked, laughing innocently, as if she hadn't just decided to take a picture of me and Niall. While we had been asleep.

      It was her laugh that caused Niall to stir. He yawned, then opened his eyes. "Hi Mrs. Thompson." He winced, chuckling we he glanced at me. "This is kind of awkward."

      Unlike me, who needed at least five minutes to wake up -unless, of course I found out my mom had taken photos of me and my boyfriend while we were asleep- Niall was one of those people who were almost instantly coherent as soon as they woke up.

      "Oh don't mind me, I was just taking a few pictures of the scenery," Mom said, gesturing to the one small window we had in the living room. It looked out into the side of our neighbor's house. Which was just brick.

      Scenery, right.

      "You okay?" Louis asked. I looked up. I hadn't even heard him or Harry walk in.

      "Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, taking the photo out of the frame. I didn't doubt that Louis and Harry could see through the thin lie, I hadn't really tried. Other than Niall, they knew me best. Except Niall didn't know me at all now.

      "Come on," Harry said, pulling his keys out of his pocket. "I'm taking you on a date."

      I blinked. "What?"

      "We're supposed to be fake dating, right?"

      "Uh..." I shot a confused glance at Louis, who returned it with a shrug, looking as confused as I felt. Then I turned back to look at Harry to see if he was joking. He was grinning, but serious.

 "I'm taking you on a date," he repeated.