Over Again

❝whether we're together or apart❞

❝whether we're together or apart❞

c h a p t e r    s i x

      I forced myself to relax.  "What do you mean?" Maybe I should start crying or something. He had dropped things in the past if I started crying. Though they had been real tears, and I wasn't sure how good I was at faking sadness. Not to mention, I didn't know if he would even really care.

       "You guys just-" he stopped, running a hand through his hair. "I don't remember-" he cut himself off again, shaking his head. "Sorry, I'm probably just confused."

      Don't break, Sarah, don't, you'll only make him hate you, I told myself. But he'll find out eventually. And you're making him more confused now. I glanced at him and felt my resolve start to crack. He looked so lost, so confused, so sad. If your positions were reversed, he'd tell you the truth. I sighed. "No."

       "What?" he asked, looking up.

       "No, we aren't dating," I admitted.

       "Why'd you pretend then?" I could've let it all unravel here. Tell him about how Ashleigh had lied, about how we had dated, everything. I could put everyone out of their misery. Niall would know and stop trying to find what he kept missing. The guys wouldn't have to keep lying to him. He would know and maybe it would be even be okay for me. I wouldn't have to hide all the memories, make sure I didn't bring them up. Maybe I wouldn't have to see him and Ashleigh, maybe we could try again.

       Except he was staring at me with such confusion, and even a little bit of anger. There wasn't that spark in his eyes that I had gotten so used to seeing; no, now it was reserved for Ashleigh.

      He doesn't love you, a voice whispered in my mind.

       So instead I lied. "Ashleigh... She likes joking that me and Harry like each other. And I guess she didn't think you'd take it seriously."

       "Why didn't you just tell me?"

       I twisted my hands together. "We thought it would easier if we just pretended and broke up a few days later so you wouldn't get confused and have to play 'true or false'." It was kind of the truth. Confusing him was part of the reason all of us were keeping me and him a secret. Except, he thought I was talking about me and Harry's 'relationship'.

       It was the best explanation I could give, though, Harry and I hadn't really talked about it. I wasn't even sure if we had been fake dating. Yeah, there had been the drive-in-movie 'date', but it had been crashed by Louis. We hadn't done anything else together. We kinda sucked as a couple.

      For a moment there was silence, and I took the opportunity to organize my thoughts... Only for him to send me into shock again.

      "Do you hate me?" he asked.

      I blinked. "Why would I hate you?"

      "Because I don't remember you," he said.

      I shook my head. "I don't hate you."

      For a moment he stared at me, then turned away. "You pity me," he said flatly. I shook my head and sat down next to him. Half of me wanted to bolt up the stairs, before something slipped, but running away wouldn't help. The other half wanted to tell him everything, to try and take away the sadness and confusion in his blue eyes, but nothing I could say would really help him.

      "I don't pity you," I told him. "I think you're really strong for going through this."

      "Can you tell me something? About the past year?" Niall asked.

      "The doctor said we should let you remember on your own." It was a lame excuse, but the only one that I could really think of. I knew enough about Niall and what happened in the year he didn't remember, but most of it was about us, and he didn't know about us.

      "Please," he said. "I keep seeing these things, but nothing makes sense."

      I hesitated and my eyes fell on the TV. That gave me an idea. There was one thing I could tell him, or show him, that might spark his memory. I wanted him to remember about us, but not through telling him. I wanted him to remember by himself, so maybe I wouldn't have to explain our relationship. "There's a TV Show you used to watch..." I trailed off, grabbing the remote from the table. We use to watch, I corrected in my mind, but didn't say it out loud. I turned it on, then went to Netflix. "Do you want to see it?"

      He glanced at the TV, then at me, then back at the TV. Then he nodded. "Okay."

      I typed the title in and selected the first episode. I had fallen in love with Skins the first time I had seen it. Niall had Skyped me once, after I just finished watching an episode. I had been curled up in a ball, sobbing and shaking, so he had made the decision to watch an episode to see why it made me cry. Skins wasn't the kind of TV Show I thought he would like, but we both ended up addicted to it and would watch episodes together. Well, sort of together, we would be watching while Skyping. It wasn't the same as having him with me, but it was better than nothing.

      Niall didn't comment as it started playing, instead watched the TV intently. Don't ask me how we ended up in the position we were in when the episode because I wasn't really sure. Sometime during the movie, Niall had ended up lying down, his head on my lap.

      "Wow," he said quietly as the end credits played. "Thanks."

      "Did it help?" I asked, turning off the TV.

      "I don't know..." he trailed off, letting the conversation drop.”Can I ask one more thing?" he said after a couple moments.