You're the One I Want {EDITING}

Thirty-Four

I opened my eyes slowly, and in the first few moments of waking up I felt relaxed and happy. But after those few moments I felt my muscles tense and eyes widen, and I sat up quickly and attempted to push my back into the corner of the wall that was next to my bed. Too late I remembered that I wasn't in my little twin sized bed in Alli's room, but Jamie's full bed that I occupy when she's away at college. Instead of feeling comfortably protected with my back against the wall I found myself falling backwards into empty space.

With a thump and a small squeal I hit the floor. Looking up at the white ceiling above me I was finally able to process that I was at home, in California, and not still in my bunk back on base. Normally I jolt awake from a nightmare or wake up from hitting the floor, but every now and then I wake up and have a delayed reaction. My brain fools me with the temporary bliss of safety before it throws my old memories of being in a war at me, causing me to freak out and forget the peace I felt only seconds before.

I let out a frustrated groan, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to calm down so my heart would stop racing. I was so sick of being woken up by an overwhelming sense of fear, whether it's delayed or not, but I just can't control it. It's been—how long? a little more than a month?—and I still can't seem to find any reprieve.

From the bed above me I heard a mumble and saw Harry look over the edge, seeing me lying on the floor. He sighed and for a moment he sounded almost exasperated, but he quickly got up and came over to me, helping me stand upright before sitting me down on the bed.

"You okay?" He asked. His eyes looked tired and he had bags under them, as I do and have for the past few weeks, but they held a flicker of concern. 

Internally I winced at how exhausted he looked, knowing that it was my fault he looked that way. This was the first time I'd actually seen him up close lately, seeing as I usually just bury my face into his chest and don't really meet his gaze because I'm too ashamed to look him in the eye. It made me feel guilty, realizing how little time we spent actually being close to one another by choice. We don't really cuddle for fun or kiss as much as we used to, seeing as I'm constantly needing comfort and he's constantly giving it. The closest we get is usually when we sleep, and he always has his arms wrapped around me because it makes me feel more centered and safe.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine." I told him, holding back a sigh. "You know, as fine as I usually am."

He grimaced for a second but quickly replaced it with a small smile. I stared at him as he turned away, trying to figure out what the look on his face had meant, but before I could say anything he interrupted me. "Well, since I'm awake I guess I'll go make breakfast." And with that he was gone, not giving me a chance to reply.

Letting out the sigh from earlier I flopped back on the bed, spreading my arms out wide as I stared up at the ceiling. I was still tired, because despite getting a good nine hours of sleep I had been plagued with nightmares that kept me from feeling rested.

Two months ago I never would have thought that my life would be this way. Back then Harry and I were still secretly dating, I didn't have to go out and face the reality of what his fame brings to us as a couple, neither of us were painfully exhausted all the time, and I most certainly didn't have this god awful PTSD to drag me down.

Nowadays, when I'm not having a panic attack or a flashback, I'm trying to get some sleep. Usually I avoid leaving the house at all costs, so I don't have to go outside and find triggers in all of the people out there. All it takes is one thing, one raised voice or a loud noise or even a shadow, and I'm back to a world of panic and fear. It's a lot safer to just stay in the house, where I have at least one other person with me at all times. At home I spend most of my time in my bed, either sleeping or sitting on top and trying to fight my anxiety of having to step outside of the house and see others. Occasionally I'll draw a bit or play games on my phone, but for the most part it's easier to lie down and try to sleep.