Back To the Beginning

Chapter One: Return

(Olivia Benson's POV)
As I sit in my office filing out the last of the paperwork, my eyelids become heavy. I'm knocked back with a sudden surge of exhaustion and I'm about ready to crack. I haven't slept in 4 days and Noah hasn't seen me in 2. I need to go home.
I save the files on my laptop and shut it down. I lean back in my chair and slap my hands over my face and take a deep breath. I stand up and grab my purse and phone. I press the home button on my phone and read the time, 11:30PM.
I sighed and started heading for my door when someone knocked. They opened the door.
"Hey, Lieutenant, there's someone here who wants to see you. He says its urgent." Carisi said in a quiet tone.
"Who is it?" I asked in an annoyed voice.
I was so tired. Who the hell was here at this time of the night anyways?
"Don't know. Never gave me a name." Carisi replied apologetically.
"Send him in." I said and I sat my purse down on my desk.
I looked out the window behind my desk and I heard someone enter my office and close the door.
"So, what can I do for you-" I began to speak but stopped mid-sentence when I turned around.
I don't know if it's just my tired brain or if it's real. Standing before me is the wonderful Elliot Stabler.
"Hey, Liv." he said awkwardly.
I just stared at him aghast. This isn't real. I'm dreaming.
"Hi, El.." I said.
"Can we talk?" he asked practically begging.
"About what?" I asked.
"5 years ago. When I left." he stated and leaned back on his heels.
"What is there to talk about, Elliot? You left. There's nothing else to it." I said getting angry.
"Look, Olivia, I want to come back. I realize that what I did was a mistake. I never should of left. It's been eating me alive for the past 5 years and I needed to come back. I needed to see you." he stepped closer to me.
He's joking, right? He has to be. There's no way in hell he would show his face in this squad room 5 years later after he left without a single word to me. He just put in his papers to Cragen and left. My partner who abandoned me.
"Elliot, I-" I didn't know what to say.
"Olivia, I'm sorry. I truly am. I've missed you every day but I just felt I couldn't show my face to you. There's more than one reason why I left, Liv." he said quietly and his eyes were becoming glossy with tears.
"What? It's not because you shot and killed that 14 year old girl?" I asked really confused.
"That's one reason. But the other....I never had the guts to come forward about." he was becoming really uncomfortable.
"What is it, Elliot? What's the other reason?" I asked becoming very angry.
"Olivia, I love you." he spoke with a voice I've never heard him use, an extremely soft and loving voice.
My heart skipped about 8 beats. It started to race and I was taken aback. Did he really just say what I think he just said?
"Wh-what?" I asked stuttering.
"I love you." he came forward again and we were about 1 foot from each other.
We stared into each other's eyes and didn't say anything for a few seconds. I love him to. I always have. Why is he now coming forward? After 5 years of being away?!
"Elliot, I don't know what to say..." I trailed off and looked at the ground, smiling a little.
"Olivia, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you. I'll just go. Goodbye, Liv." he turned to walk out but I wouldn't let him.
"Elliot Stabler get back in here before I cuff you to my desk." I said loudly.
He stopped with his hand on the door handle and spun around, slowly. He was smiling.
"Elliot, I've never told you this, but I love you too. I loved you the entire 12 years we worked together but you were with Kathy for most of that so I could never tell you. When you left it broke my heart, El. I didn't think I would ever find someone that I loved as much as I loved you." I felt my eyes began to well with tears.
He came so close to me I thought he was going to kiss me, but he didn't.
"Really?" he questioned in a whisper.
"Yes" I said and a single tear streamed down my cheek.
He wiped it away with his thumb and leaned in to kiss me. I stepped away.
"Elliot, I love you and I know you love me. But I don't know if I can do this. It's been 5 years and you haven't spoken to me or anything since you left. And now you decide to come forward with all this. Where was this 5 years ago? Hell, where was this 11 years ago when you and Kathy broke up?" I asked.
"I'm sorry, Olivia. I should've came to you sooner. I didn't think I could ever tell you because I didn't know you felt the same way. I didn't want to ruin things between us." he stared at me.
I looked down at my phone and saw I had 4 texts from my sitter for Noah.
"Oh crap." I said out loud.
"What?" he asked worried.
"It's my baby sitter. My son apparently needs me." at these words he stumbled backwards a bit.
"S-son?" he asked.
"Oh, yeah. I adopted him almost two years ago." I smiled at the thought of me signing the adoption papers.
He seemed to sigh in relief.
"I didn't know. Liv, that's great." he came forward and hugged me.
I hugged back out of instinct. It felt amazing to be in his arms again. I've missed him so much.
"Hey, Elliot, would you mind stopping in here on Monday morning? So I can show you the ropes again?" I said smiling.
His eyes widen.
"What?" he seemed confused but happy.
"I'll let you back on the squad, Stabler. But one mess up, and you're gone. You got it?" I asked.
"Of course, Liv." he shook my hand.
"I'll see you then." I said and without another word he left.
I grabbed my purse again and left my office, shutting the door behind me.
Fin, Amanda, Dodds, and Carisi sat at their desks staring at me. Fin was smiling, the other three looking confused as all get out.
"So, what was that about?" Fin asked with the grin on his face.
"It seems we've got ourselves a newbie. Starting Monday." I smiled.
"What-Liv, another?" Amanda asked.
"Relax, Rollins, he used to work here before. His name is Elliot Stabler." just then Amanda looked at me shocked.
"You mean to tell us that's your partner who you worked with for 12 years?" she asked.
"The very same." I said.
"Seems like a nice guy. I talked to him a bit before I came to your office. He seemed really anxious though." Carisi said offhandedly.
"Well, yeah, we're on thin strings right now. I've still got to talk to him about some things but anyways....you four better head home. It's late. Go to sleep." I said.
"Yeah, guys, let's go home. I don't think I can stay awake much longer." Dodds piped up from his desk.
"I'll see you all on Monday, plus another. Night, guys." I smiled and walked out and to the elevator.
I went outside and out into my car where I sat for a few minutes. I started the car and drove home to my apartment. I rushed inside as quickly and as quietly as possible. I sat my purse down on the coffee table and I went into Noah's room to find the baby sitter trying to rock him to sleep.
It's so late and he won't go back to sleep. This is not good.
"Hey, thank you so much for staying here with him." I said as she handed Noah to me.
"No problem, Liv. It's not like I have anything to do." she laughed a little and so did I.
"Was he good?" I asked concerned.
"Oh he was great! Except till now since he won't sleep." she looked at Noah sadly.
"I'll take care of that. Thank you. I'll see you Monday." I smiled at her.
"Okay, bye, Olivia." she smiled back at me and left.
I stood there holding Noah and smiling. He was smiling too but I could see the tiredness in his eyes. I started to bounce and rock him gently to get him to fall asleep. It seems like I'm the only one who can get him to sleep.
He yawned and laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes. I rocked him for a few more minutes until I knew for entirely sure he was asleep. I laid him in his crib and I kissed his forehead.
"Goodnight, sweetheart." I smiled.
I left his bedroom and went into my own. I stripped off my work clothes that I had been wearing for the past 2 days and put on pajamas. I'll shower in the morning. I'm too tired right now.
I plugged my phone in on my nightstand and laid it down. I slipped under the covers and buried my face in the pillow. I pulled the covers over my shoulders and I fell asleep faster than I ever have in my entire life.