Anime Reviews

Boku no Pico (Read at your own risk)

"This is what the devil plays before he goes to sleep" – Tyler the Creator

It is said that in order to fully appreciate a masterpiece, you must discover its complete opposite. This is why, as your average anime reviewer, I searched for the biggest failure in the industry, something I would easily rate 1 out of 10. As you probably know, there are currently three anime that stand apart from the rest of the medium's filth as the worst of the worst: Mars of Destruction, Pupa, and... Boku no Pico. Made in 2005, Mars of Destruction is a 20-minute OVA with early-'90s animation where characters are randomly introduced instead of being given names (excluding the protagonist Hinata Takeru, who's yet another poorly-crafted product of the Shinji Ikari Replica Factory); where Beethoven's classic compositions are, for some reason, inserted into the OVA's soundtrack; where a random, out-of-nowhere superweapon is shoved into the plot to save the day, and where the world's worst plot twist occurs at the very end (Trust me; you have to see it to believe it). Pupa is a little longer than Mars of Destruction; it's a 12-episode series but, with 4-minutes per episode, it never really had a chance to be successful in the first place. The series doesn't really help itself by including a glorified slideshow of a theme song, woefully written dialogue, miniscule character depth, a truly disgusting episode 6, and a filler finale (probably the most unforgivable sin for an anime series). While Mars of Destruction and Pupa are far from perfect, they both contain traits that prevent them from being labeled "the worst anime ever"; for Mars of Destruction, the soundtrack (though horribly out-of-place for this title) is actually really good and, for Pupa, a vague hint of a plot is just enough to avoid the unenviable label. With Boku no Pico, however, it's much more challenging than the previous titles to find positive traits and to review this anime in a general, unbiased fashion.

Where do I begin with Boku no Pico? It's an OVA that clocks in at around 40 minutes, endowed with amazingly average animation and the most elementary soundtrack imaginable. There are only three characters in Boku no Pico, none of them memorable whatsoever. Tamotsu is our subpar self-insert protagonist of the day, a character devoid of distinct features, personality, emotion, or a general purpose. Next is what's assumed to be the grandfather of the titular character, whose job is to smoke a pipe, utter one to two lines, and subsequently fade into the background (To describe him as "forgettable" would be a massive understatement). Pico, the titular character, is the only one of the three who receives any hint of depth; he's a shy, friendless klutz seeking understanding and companionship (Pico also grows to enjoy cross-dressing). Unlike Mars of Destruction and Pupa, this anime isn't remembered for its flaws; instead, the reason why Boku no Pico is so infamous throughout the anime world is due to the genre it falls under. This is an industry that has seemingly legitimized itself through the field of ecchi so, for Boku no Pico to be blacklisted the way it has, this anime must've done something truly unprecedented. If you're one of the few lucky souls who haven't heard of this title already, you're probably asking "What genre did Boku no Pico's producers choose to do?" (For those with sensitive stomachs, now's a fantastic time to stop reading) The answer, my friends, is child porn.

Boku no Pico should've been a simple slice-of-life title (Pico spends his vacation with Tamotsu, who becomes his friend/mentor and teaches him the little things to appreciate about life) but what Natural High (the studio that produced and wholly endorsed this anime) chose to do was degrade this into a sexfest. Boku no Pico begins with Tamotsu looking at a naked Pico through a viewing scope at a park (Through Tamotsu's point-of-view, there's a vomit-inducing upward panning shot of Pico's body, like he's Ursula Andress in Dr. No or something). Tamotsu eventually meets Pico face-to-face and they return to the park, where our protagonist kisses the back of Pico's neck. They then munch on ice cream in Tamotsu's car, where Pico licks the ice cream that spilled on Tamotsu's shirt, and it all goes downhill from there. Tamotsu and Pico (both guys, in case you've somehow forgotten) engage in brutal, kinky sex in Tamotsu's car and bedroom; during this disgusting stretch, Tamotsu drops an overload of exceedingly creepy lines ("Are you turned on too, Pico?", "I want to see it all, everything about you, Pico", etc.). After the bedroom sex, what occurs is easily my favorite part of this torture chamber of an anime: Pico runs away from Tamotsu. When this happened, I said "YEAH, SON!", produced a passionate fist-pump, high-fived myself, and somehow resisted the urge to cheer as loudly as possible. After gouging my eyes out for at least fifteen consecutive minutes, here was (finally!) a reason to stop. When Pico left Tamotsu's house (just a legitimately classic moment), my imagination ran wild. Fueled with absolute ecstasy, I thought that there would no more horrific sex scenes, that Pico would call the police, that our deranged child molester of a protagonist would be behind bars, that the grandpa would give Tamotsu a brutal right hook to the chin, that the grandpa would spend more time with Pico and be more important to the plot, that Boku no Pico would have a happy ending, that –

But of course they have sex again.

When Tamotsu and Pico are finished, the show transitions to its final scene. Here we see a naked Pico swaddled in sheets on Tamotsu's bed. With the utmost affection in his eyes, Pico looks at the camera and whispers "I love you" before the screen fades to white, and the process of mental scarring is complete. While enduring Boku no Pico, my jaw dropped at what I was witnessing; my face was frozen in a permanent cringe; I felt goosebumps crawling all over my skin; my insides were hurting; I felt nauseous (This lasted for a full two days) and I often looked away from the screen. Although I saved myself somewhat from actually seeing the worst of Boku no Pico, I could not, however get rid of the sounds (oh Lord help me, THE SOUNDS); the moaning, the panting, the squirting, the squishing, the kissing, the rubbing, the smacking, and (worst of all) the crunching were all too much for me to tolerate. However, as much as this kills me, I have to admit Boku no Pico isn't the worst anime ever because the animation and soundtrack weren't all that bad; just run-of-the-mill; then, there's the aforementioned classic scene (the one moment I actually felt enjoyment in this ordeal) and (above all else) there's a purpose to Boku no Pico. Natural High promoted this OVA not because it has any actual merit but because they knew it would be unforgettable (Boku no Pico was released in 2006 and, ten years later, it's still remembered). Say what you want about Boku no Pico but you have to admit it's not another Dragon Ball Z rip-off or some overdramatic gore-fest. There have been innumerous titles that have been described as "unique" but Boku no Pico is truly one-of-a-kind, and that's what ultimately prevents me from labeling this the worst anime ever.

Rating: 2 out of 10