Love, Ariel

Letter #14

A letter to someone you've drifted apart from

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Dear Avery,

We used to be so close, girl. What happened? You do realize that if we went to different schools, we would never speak to each other ever again? Because we never talk to each other anymore. No phone calls, no going over to each other's houses, no movie nights, nothing. Yes, we do sit next to each other in class and you tell me all about your life and I tell you nothing about mine, but while the distance between us is so tiny, the distance between us is so huge!

You prefer talking to other people over talking to me. I often feel like you're actually embarrassed of me! You ignore me whenever we're near someone popular and you don't act crazy with me anymore! We used to do so much insane stuff! I miss it, Avery! I miss the old you. Yes, you have changed and no, I'm not being judgemental because I have known you forever and much better than a lot of people you call your "friends" and I hate the person you have now become. Everthing in your life revolves around you and the gossip surrounding you or the people you associate yourself with.

You only come to me for advice about stuff and to copy my homework. Do I get called because you wanna hang out with me? No. Do I get called because you think a girl is annoying and want advice about her? Yes.

I'm not even your best friend anymore, if that wasn't clear already. I'm just there as a namesake. You call me your best friend but don't do anything to indicate that we're best friends or even friends for that matter. People who are new in your life and don't know me, have no idea that I exist! If someone comes into your life, they should know who your best friend is, right?

You don't talk to me, you don't come to me and yet, if I hang out with other people – people who I actually like and who like me too and with whom I feel like I belong – you scoff and act like they're beneath you or you drag me away from them. Seriously? Now you remember my existence?

And frankly, we used to be really close and I miss that but you've changed and if I had the chance to be close with you now, I wouldn't take it. I don't know who you are anymore. This letter could go on forever and ever because I have so much to say about you but I think I've been bitter enough and even though I hate you, you don't deserve too much unhappiness.

Just be normal again, please. You don't have to impress everyone. And to be honest, the people who you hang out with and call your soul-mates aren't gonna be talking to you a year from now. Open your eyes, girl. You're being stupid.

I'd gladly open your eyes for you but for some reason, you never listen to me. You ask for my advice but when I give it, you don't take it so I've given up giving you advice.

The only problem is that even if with all the animosity between us, I still feel extremely comfortable around you. Not as much as I used to because I have to be super careful about what I say and do otherwise your infamous smirk that shows you're superior to everyone will appear on your face and haunt me for ages. But still. I feel more comfortable around you than I do around a lot of people. 

And I feel really bad sometimes. You don't even know how much I dislike you now. You don't even know how much I wish I could just walk away from you and never look back.

I feel like you trust me because you tell me everything...I think. And that makes me feel even worse. But then I remember that you backstab everyone you meet and you've probably backstabbed me too and that confuses me a lot because I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

The truth is that you haven't changed much, I've just stopped being blind. There was a time, a long while back, when I used to be completely loyal and faithful to you. I'd always support you even if what you did was wrong. But I'm starting to realize that all those times when I thought you'd do the same, I was only fooling myself. You never would've done anything I'd have done for you. Which is why I'm not going to do those things for you now.

You've always been the kind of person who cares more for popularity and being approved by everyone, than actually being likeable and nice. I just never realized that. I do know that now, though.

I've tried so hard for so long to bring you back to the lovely person you once were, when I'd first known you. But I'm tired now. I can't try anymore. It's too hard and painful and terrible, Avery. It's utterly incorrigible now.

At first, I thought I could salvage the damaged remains of our broken friendship and put them back together but I've given up now. What's gone is gone. What we had is gone. And you're a fool if you're thinking we're still best friends.

If I'm to be completely honest with you, I don't actually think you think that. I think you're just pretending to be friends with me so that you get good grades and people don't hate you (a wise person once told me that one is judged by their friends circle) but you don't actually want to be friends with me and if things were to go your way - like they almost always do - you'd ditch me in a heartbeat.

Well, I'm not sorry to say that I couldn't care less, really. I'm done trying to save our "friendship". I'm done being the only one putting effort into it. I'm done hoping that things can be alright again.

I don't know if you've noticed that but I hope you have.

I don't go to you anymore or ask what's wrong the way I used to it because it's futile. What we had is lost and we can never get it back. I don't go to you. If you come to me, you come. We talk and I behave like a civil human being. If you don't come to me, you don't come, but I don't go to you. and I'm fine with that, really.

We'll lose contact and be only memories to each other and that's okay. It took me two years too long to realize this but it's okay. I've accepted this and it's okay.

It's okay, Avery. Life is gonna be okay.

So in case you were wondering whether we've drifted apart and if we have, then why, well here's your answer.

Love,

Ariel