Pastel Princess ~ Joshler ~ boyxboy ~

.:10:.

Goner - TØP circa 2012
Ok so now you can actually listen while reading. I fucking hate you Wattpad... (But I love you)

Also TRIGGER WARNING FOR A LOT OF FUCKED UP SHIT. Mentions of homophobia (but if that triggers you than why are you reading this god damn book) and suicidal thoughts and all that stuff. And trigger warning for this god damn song cause god damn. This is actually really depressing lmao. Cool. Fun. Continue.
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Josh's POV

     Hell. That's what I would use to describe this place fucking hell. What I find so fucking ironic about this place is that Christians are supposed to be kind hearted. They are supposed to accept people for who they are. Yet the fact that I choose to sleep with men upsets them so fucking much, they have to torture me for it? Where is the logic in that. I always used to believe that Christians were accepting, well I guess I'm wrong.

     Now, don't get me wrong, a majority of Christians are amazing, wonderful people. I even have a little faith myself, but the people that absolutely enthrall there lives into the religion, and lose there common sense because of it, are the people that really get to me. There are people committing murders and fucking raping actual human beings, but my sexuality happens to bother you the most? Absolutely wonderful.

     This was fucking ground breaking to me. So I sat in the bathtub, in my cabin, with the shower turned on, ice cold, in all my clothes... Thinking. Thinking about people. Thinking about what would happened if I died. Right now. If I just killed myself. I wouldn't have to deal with this shit everyday. I wouldn't have to deal with what people think of me. I would just be gone.

     But who would actually care. I think about that a lot actually. If I killed myself today, how would people react. I could imagine that most people in my life would put on an act, pretend like they cared, pretend like we were the best of friends. But all in all they're just hoping they can take some of my clothes.

     I think about all of this a lot. And how my life has gone to absolute shit. How I haven't went a whole day with out having a panic attack in a long time. How I'm always just tired. Not just sleep tired, but just tired. How I'm too emotionally drained to want to do anything. How I'm too alive that I always feel dead. How that anxious, black cloud feeling in my stomach never leaves, even on sunny days. And how the bags on my eyes aren't just there from lack of sleep.

     I don't like sounding like an emo kid, but I can't deny that life is just getting too much. Sometimes I'm not sure if I can take it anymore. I just wanna take a nap... A really long nice... Nap.

     ~

*Tyler's POV*

     Sleep isn't real to me anymore. Sleep is like that one really cool, rich uncle that only comes to family occasions like... Once.

     I just stared at the ceiling, but I knew Connor was awake too, staring up at the ceiling as well. We both seemed to find pleasure in the others insanity.

     I feel like sanity is also a very distant word as well. I find an awkward comfort in the sickness growing in my head. It's like a reminder that what's going on in my life right now, won't be nearly as bad as the future.

As I continued to drown myself in the void of my mind, I snapped out at the sound of Connor shifting out of bed and planting his feet to the floor with a clunk.

"Hey Ty. Look, I know we're both not Gonna get any sleep tonight, and if I continue thinking I'm gonna snap a nerve in my brain, so let's do something. Anything."

I could tell he needed to get out of this cabin, because he looked like a fucking time bomb.

"Okay, okay, umm... Let's go to the lake. And if you want we can smoke weed, cause I know you love your weed." He giggled at that as he took out his box full of his meds. Connor takes a shit load of meds, and he was able to fit a shit ton of weed, and alcohol in with all those pills. I guess he told them if they looked through his medication, he will sue. And I can't believe it actually worked.

"Okay, sounds like a plan. Hey! How about we go grab our boys!!" He said as excitedly as he could with a whisper. I just giggled and nodded. Connor grabbed a bag and filled it with weed, wine, and snacks.

"Hey, Ty, you should wear a skirt. I think you look absolutely stunning in them." Connor said as he pulled out a bag, took out his iPod and a beats pill, and put it in the bag as well.

"Aw thanks Con. I think I will." I said smiling, he returned the smile. "Oh by the way, how the fuck did you bring all that shit and not get murdered by Sadie."

     Connor just laughed, took my hand, and twirled me around, "it's cause I'm insane Ty. I have my psycho ways." He just laughed. And I responded with a harsh chuckle. He was quite the character.

     "Alright Princess, got your skirt on?" He questioned, and I nodded in response. He then took my hand in a friendly manner, as we rushed out the door, and not quietly at all, headed to Josh and Troyes cabin.

     I think I'm a little too excited for this night.

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