will it ever end!?

title of your story

chapter 7 - sam

“Do you always do that?” he asked quietly.

“Do what?” I laughed.

“Paint on a phony smile and pretend like nothing is wrong.”

I can feel the smile start to fade as I pull my focus back to the plate in front of me. I try to find my happy place again, but it’s gone. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. It’s too much and I can’t breathe through it, not without Jamie holding me up, breathing for me. He’s been doing it for so long that I no longer know how to do it myself, if I ever did.

I really miss what we used to have. The food in front of me gets blurry. I have to escape. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to stop running. I see Molly and Emma out of the corner of my eye, playing with one of the soldiers, laughing and giggling. Happy. Nicky is talking to another soldier. Will I ever learn their names? He’s probably looking for more zombie stories. Theo and Danny are sitting at another table, learning to play a card game, poker? How can I leave them? How can I stay?

I want to crawl into a hole and just stay there until all of this goes away. The hurt, the guilt, the shame, these people look at me and have no idea what I’m really like. They don’t know that I have spent the last three years lying to my best friend and my brother. Sometimes I wish that I could go back and change everything.

I feel Sarge get up to stand behind me. “Come on,” he says in that deep soothing voice, “let’s go for a walk.”

I reluctantly get up to follow him to the door, pulling my sleeves over my hands and wrapping my arms around my waist for protection. I don’t even know from what. I know that this man turned my brother around. He helped him focus and deal with losing Erin and the baby. He helped him see that it’s okay to move on and try to find happiness with Thia.

I know all of this but I don’t want anyone to help me. I don’t want to open up this festering wound hiding inside of me. I have spent three years pushing it down. Trying to move on and keep my life the way it was before. He’s waiting for me at the door, holding it open patiently. I can tell right now that his patience will quickly wear thin. I don’t want to slow down or stop. I have to move, always forward, never stopping. If I stop now, I might not be able to start again. I walk through the door in front of him speeding up as I get out into the bright light, not realizing how I look, like a wounded little girl, hiding inside my hoodie, trying to escape from the world.

He sees it though, and when I glance back impatiently, I see it through him. I stop and wait. “Why are you doing this? Why can’t you just let me walk away and…”

“Not come back?” he says with a raised eyebrow, “end your pain by creating more for everyone around you?”

Damn it. I thought away from Jamie I’d be safe from the knowing eyes. Guess I thought wrong.

“Look, Samantha, you don’t have to talk to me. You don’t have to tell me why looking at those kids makes you cry. You don’t have to tell me why you are so pissed off at the world. Honestly, I probably don’t want to hear it. You do, however, need to talk to someone. Your shell is cracking. You can’t keep holding whatever it is inside of you. It’s seeping out, infecting everyone around you,” he stops talking and lifts up my chin so that I have to look at him, to see what he is saying to me, “Sam, you don’t have to go through this, whatever it is, alone. There are people here who can help you if you let them. We are all in this together. If we don’t help each other, none of us will survive. Promise me you’ll think about what I said.”

I nod, fighting the emotional response that’s been triggered by his words and actions, pushing against it with everything that I have inside of me. It doesn’t work, I feel the stupid tears work their way out of my eyes to fall down my face. I turn away, looking for shelter from the storm inside me. I see the women’s dorm building and make my way there, barely holding on but not willing to let go. I don’t want anyone to see my weakness.