Catsby: A Novel

Chapter 3: Part 1

We ate our chopped salad in silence until Tucker's phone buzzed in his pocket. He glanced at it under the table and excused himself.

A solitary tear rolled down Dandelion's cheek. "I'm getting another wine cooler," she said, excusing herself from the table.

Once she was gone, I turned to Cordon. "What do you suppose that was all about?"

"You don't know?" Cordon said, lowering her voice. "Dick's got a side chick in Williamsburg."

In the next room, I could see Tucker speaking into his phone in hushed tones. "You think he's talking to her right now?"

"Didn't you see him snapping dick pics under the table during dinner?"

I shrugged. "That's just Tucker being Tucker."

"It's beyond rude."

I wasn't sure whether she was referring to dick pics or taking a booty call during dinner or some combination thereof. Before I could ask her for clarification, Dandelion returned, bottle in hand.

"How are you liking the chopped salad?" she asked me.

"I don't think I'll ever eat another salad unless it's chopped."

"Damn straight you won't, boy," Tucker said, returning. We all tried to avoid the bulge in his pants, which was eye level with me and too close for comfort.

"Can you sit down, honey? You're at half-mast," Dandelion asked her husband, shielding her eyes. Cordon also averted her gaze, pretending to be mesmerized by her chopped salad. Maybe she was; it really was as good as advertised.

Tucker, finally realizing his faux pas, sat down. He let out an exaggerated sigh. "Sorry about that, ladies. It's just when the blood rushes to my little head, I don't always think straight. You know what I'm talking about, Dick."

I shook my head violently.

"Or maybe you don't," Tucker said, glancing from me to Cordon and back with suspicion. "Say, Dick, why don't you tell Dandelion who you saw outside."

"Sir Catrick Stewart," I said, as if delivering news of a royal birth.

"Really," Cordon said.

"He lives next door," Dandelion explained. "Tucker, don't get started on the nerds."

"Who said I was going to start on the nerds? I was just making polite conversation with Dick."

"Once you get started, you won't shut up," Dandelion said. "You'll just make yourself angrier and angrier, and for no good reason."

"I'm sorry, but the neighborhood is lousy with them."

"What's wrong with nerds?" Cordon asked.

Tucker exhaled. "I'll tell you what's wrong with nerds. They're ruining this damn country. Used to be, they kept to themselves. They had their comic book conventions and their Star Trek gatherings and whatnot. Nowadays, they've taken over the whole damn world. You can't go to the movie theater without sitting through a half dozen trailers of comic-book movies. Superman and Batman I was fine with. Even Spider-man, I could handle. But Green Lantern?"

Cordon arched an eyebrow. "You at least liked The Avengers."

"Hated it," Tucker said. "Like I care about Scarlett Widow and Arrow Man. Don't get me started on that TV show, Agents of S.H.I.T. The only people who want to see these D-list super-heroes are nerds. They have too much disposable money. I suppose that was to be expected, since they all live in their parents' basements. There was a time when you could enjoy a movie without worrying about missing out on all the little in-jokes for these fanboys. Whatever happened to real movies like Die Hard and Lethal Weapon?"

"Shane Black directed Iron Man 3," I said.

Tucker stared daggers at me. "Who?"

"The director of Lethal Weapon," Cordon said, backing me up.

"I don't know anything about directors," Tucker muttered.

Dandelion stood up. "I'm going outside for a vape."