Catsby: A Novel

Chapter 4: Part 2

"How far is the Shake Shack?"

"I don't know," he admitted.

I pulled my phone out. "I'll look it up—"

Tucker snarled at me. "Real men don't use maps."

"I was going to check Yelp."

"Forget it," he said. "Lima will know where it's at."

"Who's Lima?"

"My girlfriend. She works at a bookstore just around the corner."

So Cordon had been right about Tucker. In college, he hadn't always been the most faithful to Dandelion. Then again, it was college.

"Still sowing your wild oats, eh?" I teased.

He held up his ring finger to show off his wedding band. "Don't be crude, Dick. I'm a married man now."

I breathed a sigh of relief. "So you're not sleeping with this girl."

"Of course I'm sleeping with her. I'm just not spilling my seed everywhere. No more random hookups. I've settled down. I'm a one-woman man." He paused. "Unless you count my wife, in which case I'm a two-woman man."

He'd matured so much since Iowa. He was no longer a boy—he was a man. As I'd learned in my literary fiction courses, there was nothing more grown-up than having an affair.

We stopped in front of a little shop called Books and More. Tucker held the door open for me. I'd been in plenty of bookstores. This one didn't strike me as odd until I saw that they only carried paper books. How they stayed in business, I have no idea. The only bookstores left in the Midwest carried tablet computers, e-readers, board games, and plush toys.

The gentleman behind the counter surveyed us, one eye squinting and the other wide behind a thick-rimmed monocle. With his pencil-thin pornstache and faux-vintage Ms. Pac-man shirt, he could have been any one of a hundred hipsters in Williamsburg.

"Heya, Harper. Your wife around?" Tucker asked.

The man nodded toward the back of the store. "In the backroom. We just bought a collection of Choose Your Own Adventure books. She's sorting through them. We might have a complete set."

"I loved those books as a kid," I said.

Tucker scowled at me. His temper was really getting out of control. If anyone should have been pissed off, it should have been me. I was the one playing hooky from work as we hopscotched through the boroughs in search of nookie.

On our way to the back room, a black cat brushed up against Tucker's leg, nearly tripping him. "Watch where you're going, you stupid thing," he said, stomping at it. The cat darted off with a yelp.

"My father was allergic to cats too," I said.

He stared hard at me. "When we first bought our place, Dandelion wanted to get a cat. I don't know what she was thinking. Everyone knows I'm a dog person. I told her there's only one type of pussy I'll ever let in my house."

"What type is that?"

He shook his head. "Jesus, Dick, for such a bright guy you can be denser than a seventies bush sometimes." He knocked on the backroom door, and it swung open.

A woman was pawing through a box of the small paperbacks. "Yeah?" she said, not bothering to turn around.

"Miss me?" Tucker asked.

The woman spun her head around and jumped to her feet. She threw her tattooed arms around Tucker and kissed him. I looked nervously over my shoulder, wary of her husband. Neither of them seemed to be the least bit concerned, and he was out of their line of sight. Still, it made me uneasy. I was used to conducting my affairs with a modicum of secrecy. That was all part of the fun of cheating, wasn't it?

"Who's this handsome fella?" she asked, eyeing me.

"This here is Dick, an old college friend."

"We just graduated two months ago," I told her, holding my hand out.

She bypassed my outstretched arm and hugged me. She smelled of old books and patchouli, with just a hint of irony.

"Dick, this is Lima Bean. She co-owns the bookstore with her husband—the clueless nerd you met up front."

She nodded. "So what are you doing here, Tucker?"

"We're looking to party," he said. "Why don't you put down these dusty old books and come along with us. We've got the afternoon free. We can head to the usual spot."

My eyes widened. Party? At one in the afternoon on a weekday?

"Sounds cool," she said. "Can we get cupcakes and Vitamin Water?"

"Of course. You think you can invite your sister, Molly?"

Lima giggled. "I'll see what I can do. You two head out, I'll meet you out front in a few."

On our way past the register, Tucker smiled and waved to Harper. "I'll see you later...after I do unspeakably filthy things to your wife."

Harper nodded absentmindedly and returned to his computer. I could feel my eyes bug out. What the hell was Tucker thinking, saying that to the girl's husband? Once outside, I hit Tucker in the upper arm and felt my knuckles turn to dust. It was like hitting a concrete wall.

"Jesus. What kind of supplements are you taking?" I screamed, shaking my hand out.

"Averbol, Dianabol, Danabol, Noreandrosterone, Stanozolol...plus the usual stuff, like testosterone, HGH. A little EGH."

"EGH?"

"Equine growth hormone. Need a hookup?"

Before I could answer, Lima joined us, a rubber horse mask covering her face. She gave us the thumbs up.

I glared at Tucker. "We're not going to Shake Shack, are we?"

He grinned. "We're going someplace even better: the Love Shack."