Fragments

1.2

1.2

            It turns out without having Adam as a friend, class is more uneventful and boring than I anticipated. I keep convincing myself that this is better for me, losing a friend before I can connect myself to him is a good thing. However I quickly learn that when I've had a taste of a not so black and white day, the usual for me becomes worse than before.

            At first we bluntly ignore each other and each day I keep to myself in class, in the halls, in the dorms. But even returning to the jacket every day after school grows old, and eventually I'm wishing I have something to do other than lay on my bed and stare up at the ceiling.

            I try to catch Adam's gaze each time he walks into class but if he sees me staring, he pretends not to notice. He's either too busy laughing with friends or hanging by himself, which I'm pretty sure is to make sure that I take the hint.

            Remembering that he called me a bitch doesn't even annoy me much anymore.

            I think I'm just that kind of girl, the one who can take any hit, any words thrown at her, and get over it. I wasn't that girl before the accident - before the death – but now I seem to let everything sink deep, deep into me and I let it sleep there.

            Maybe Adam's right.

            Maybe I am a bitch.

            After the accident, if the very person I'm beating myself up over was still around, he would be calling me that too.

             And you know what? I'm okay with that.

            I'm a bitch.