The Downfall | A Sidemen AU |

vik

Trigger warning: Heavy mention of self harm.

Song: Breathe Me by Sia

Vik's POV

Pain. That is all I feel when the silver blade is against my skin. But it isn't the pain that you feel when you fall and scrape your knee or the pain when you accidently stub your toe on the side of a table. It's the pain that you feel when you get a bad grade on a test or the pain when you get excluded from your group of friends. It is the internal pain that everyone attempts to flee because it will take control of your life.

My mother always told me that positive thoughts lead to a healthy life style. But I don't have positive thoughts and I have scars all over my wrists, stomach, and thighs. I guess that explains how I ended up standing in the bathroom, staring at myself in the broken mirror. Josh told me he slipped and hit the mirror with his hand as he was falling. The mirror fascinates me because it cant hide how broken it is like humans can. It's quite frightening how easy it is to hide your emotions.

I look down at my wrists to see that my cuts look red and swollen today. I'm not surprised, though. I was up until 2:00 AM last night with my blade. Even though it makes me feel pain, it gives me relief. It's odd but it is my only escape from the pain that I experience daily.

I pull the sleeves of my jacket down as I walk out of the bathroom and into the dark hallway. The hallway feels so empty now-a-days. Josh no longer hangs hats on the walls or railings. JJ is always with his girlfriend and Simon hardly comes out of his room anymore as well as Josh. The house is always so quiet unless one of us is recording a video.

I love recording videos because it helps distract me from the terrible things in life. The thing I hate about making videos is the hate that I receive. The haters are always making me feel more insecure about myself, but I try my best to ignore all of it.

I walk down the stairs slowly, not wanting the staircase to creak as loudly as it usually does. I enter the kitchen and see Simon. It startles me because it feels like I haven't seen him in a long time. He looks pale and his sweatshirt looks way too big on him. He is searching through the refrigerator and jumps as he notices my presence.

"Hey," I say quietly and he just gives me a smile in return but the smile doesn't reach his eyes. He closes the fridge door and walks past me, heading upstairs. I stare at the spot that he was standing in just a second ago and sigh. Maybe he had to go record a video or maybe he found what he needed and left. Maybe he didn't want to be in the same room as me because I'm disgusting. That is probably why he left.

I feel like nobody wants to be around me anymore. I just wanna know why. What have I done or what am I doing wrong that makes people want to distance themselves from me. Maybe if someone told me, I could fix it and people would accept me.

My eyes sting as they fill with tears. I quickly run upstairs, not caring about the noise the stairs make, and lock myself in the bathroom. I open the top drawer and see the razor blades that are normally there because Josh always says he is gonna shave his beard but he never does. I grab one of the blades and roll my sleeves up. I contemplate cutting my thighs because my wrists are obviously too swollen but then I remember that this will help relieve the pain somehow. It is inhumane but at least I'm cutting the least swollen parts of my arm.

This goes on for about five minutes, cut after cut after cut. I stop once I feel I'm satisfied with the amount of pain I feel and blood I see. I put the blade on the cold tile floor and I hear silence and I love it. My favorite sound is silence because it gives me the ability to think through every decision I make without being distracted. Silence is especially needed for people like me.

My wrists stop bleeding and I quickly rinse them off, wincing when the hot water hits them. I pull my sleeves down gently. Wouldn't want to accidently open a cut. I walk into my room and lay on my bed. I grab my phone from my nightstand and open twitter. I scroll through many mentions, most of which are true fans saying nice things about my videos.

One certain tweet in my notifications catches my eye. The tweet reads "are you ok, Vik".

It's scary how easy it is to act like you're ok. It's even more scary when people believe your lie.

So mentally, I answer "no" to that question.

I'm not ok. But it's ok.