The Downfall | A Sidemen AU |

simon

Trigger warning: Heavy mentions of eating disorders. Strong language.

Song: Little Me by Little Mix

Simon's POV

Why am I so insecure?

Like I've always been self-conscious but now I feel like shit everyday when I look in the mirror. How did I let myself get so fat. I literally look like a whale.

Even the fans point it out. Everyday, I receive comments about my appearance.

"You're thighs are so big."

"Wow that shirt barely fits you, lose some weight."

"I can see his double chin ew."

And everyday, it hurts more and more.

Maybe it was a mutual decision with myself to stop eating three meals a day. I mainly go for one or two snacks a day. Usually something like fruit or veggies in order to get fiber to help me lose even more weight.

I know that it's not right, but it works so well. I can't stop.

Recently, I've been throwing up too. I hate the feeling of being full when I eat too big of a snack so I need to get it out. That's the way.

When I started trying to lose weight, I weighed 150 lbs (68 kgs & about 11 stones).

I'm now at 130 lbs (58 kgs & about 9 stones).

I feel shaky some days. Like I need to just sit down and take a break when I'm not even moving. But that's ok. Because if thats what it takes to make me look good then it's worth the pain and light-headedness.

It's always awkward when I have encounters with the lads when I'm about to go purge.

I remember one time, I was trying to find something small to eat but couldn't find anything. Vik came in the room and I immediately felt self-conscious. I ended up running out and I felt a little bad afterwards cause Vik looked like he just wanted to have a friendly talk.

I had another encounter with Josh. Right before I was about to purge. I had went to the bathroom but someone was taking a shower in there. I knew it must've been JJ cause he's the only other one that uses that bathroom. So I decided to go use Vik and Josh's bathroom. In the hallway though, I ran into Josh and I was startled. I didn't wanna get caught doing this because I didn't want him to worry about me. It was an awkward moment.

It keeps getting harder and harder to lose the weight because I don't wanna keep it constant so I have to keep stepping up my game. I just wanna look attractive and appealing. After the next few months, I'll be gorgeous.

Today, as I woke up, I felt like shit. Emotionally and physically. I feel drained and broken on the inside and sick and hungry on the outside. I clutch my stomach and immediately regret it. Oh my gosh, there is so much fat there, I feel so hideous. How can anyone even watch my videos without being disgusted by my weight.

I sigh and sit up in bed. Man, today's gonna be a long day.

I feel my stomach grumble and I sigh. I can't eat this early in the day.

I get up and go to the bathroom where I pull out the scale. I step on it and I hate what's on it.

127 lbs (57 kgs & about 8/9 stones).

That's so much! I can't believe I haven't lost more than that. I only ate 2 strawberries and a slice of cheese yesterday. I should be at least 125 lbs.

As I walk out of the bathroom, mentally shaming myself, I decide to go downstairs to where we have our weights. I should workout, apparently it's better to work out in the morning.

I go into the living room and Vik is sitting on the couch.

I give him a sad smile and say, "Hey, Vik."

"Hey, Si," he replies while looking up at me. He doesn't even crack a smile. He doesn't even try.

I walk over to the weights that are 30 lbs (13 kg). As I lift them up, I suddenly feel like I can't. I feel so weak but I haven't done anything. I can barely lift them off the ground, there's no way I'm carrying them to my room without falling or passing out.

Come on, Si. It's 30 lbs, it's so easy.

But my body doesn't allow me to.

I sigh in defeat and I sit on the floor next to the weights. I lean against the wall and rest my head on it.

I notice that Vik is staring at me with a concerned look on his face. Oh no, he can see how fat I am. I look away and I try not to think about his eyes piercing my body. But as soon as I look back at him, he's staring straight at my body with nervousness and confusion. I'm so embarrassed.

I must be going red cause he looks away after examining my face.

We sit in awkward silence for a few seconds before he speaks up.

"Do you have any shaver blades left, I really need to shave my beard," He says, smoothly decreasing the tension in the room.

"Yeah, I have some in my bathroom. Ill give them to you later- wait, Vik, you don't even have a beard or any stubble," I say, confusedly.

He looks taken aback and he's stumbling for something to reply with.

"Oh uh, yeah I have some stubble that I needed to clear up. Hey, imma go buy some Nando's, you want some?" He asks nervously. I look at him and try to understand why he's acting like this. But I realize he's waiting for an answer and I'm just staring at him.

"Oh, uh, no thanks," I reply. I never deny Nando's. I love Nando's, it's my absolute favorite place. He must think I'm crazy for denying it.

Even if he does, he doesn't say anything, he just leaves and suddenly I'm alone.

I wish I was skinny and had a good body like Vik.

I guess I'll never have the confidence that he has.

Ill just continue working hard.

And maybe things will change.