Sincerely, L //Zauren

9.

The pages of my diary litter my bathroom floor around me, each one ripped to shreds. Like I keep saying, I shouldn't have written all the stuff in the first place, but he took it too far.

Summer's dad just kissed me.
I have to keep repeating it in my head to make myself believe it. The feeling of his lips is still on mine, no matter how many times I try to wipe it off.
One, he's old enough to be my dad. Two, he has a wife and last but definitely not least, his daughter is my best friend. Why would he do that? It's not that I didn't want it, because I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But it shouldn't have happened at all.

As of right now, I don't know what I'm feeling. I feel numb. I've already tried pinching myself to see if that was just a dream but no, it's real.

I texted Summer once I got home to tell her I wasn't feeling well. I didn't want her thinking that I just bailed on her, which I did, but she can't know the reason.

Once I hear the front door close, I quickly pick up all the scraps of paper and shove it in the trashcan. I stand from the bathroom floor and look at myself in the mirror to make sure I don't look any kind of way that would make her question anything that happened when I was at Summer's house.

I walk out of the bathroom and back into my room. Her footsteps echo from the staircase as I lay down on my bed and act as if I've been on my phone the entire time.

She surprising knocks on my bedroom door instead of barging in.

"Come in." I say, laying the side of my head into the pillow with my phone in my hand.

Mother opens the door, and walks in with tired eyes, still in her pantsuit. She must've gotten up early this morning. 

"Hey, sweetheart."

I'm self-conscious all of a sudden. I just feel like she can sense that there's something wrong with me. I must be paranoid.

"Hey." I sit up against the head board of my bed, sitting my phone down in my lap.

She takes a seat on the edge of my bed and kisses my temple. There's a certain look in her eyes that I can't recognize. It looks like she's been crying, but I can't tell if she's sad or not.

"I have to talk to you about something. " She looks down at her lap.

My fingers begin to shake. Does she know? Oh God, she knows.

I try to conjure up every excuse in my head. Just deny everything, Lauren.

"What is it?" My voice cracks.

Mother looks at me again, this time with an encouraging grin. She takes my hand in hers.

"Your father.." she trails off.

I feel a sense of relief that this has nothing to do with Summer's father, but a whole new set of problems comes with my own. He's been incarcerated since I was 12. Its been 4 years since I've seen him and I don't look forward to seeing him anytime soon. He can write as many letters as he wants, I'll just keep shoving them in my sock drawer. Now that I think about it, I should have hid my diary in there.

Her hand tightens around mine.

"His release is next week, and I  wanted to-"

"What?" I rip my hand out of hers and look at her with disbelief. Why couldn't she have told me sooner? That's probably why she's been acting so strange this past week.

"He isn't staying with us, is he?" My voice raises. Mother looks so calm, and I can't imagine why.

"No Lauren, he's getting a hotel until-"

"Until what?" I cut her off again. She couldn't possibly think I'd be ok with him coming back home. I'm not prepared for him to come back into my life. I don't want him to.

"Lauren, let me speak." She says in a frustrated tone. I seal my lips shut for the moment.

"He's still your father and he is still my husband, Lauren and you will not treat him any different. He has made some mistakes, but I've forgiven him. He's coming back to live with us after he spends a bit of time in a hotel room so he can get used to being out." She says.

I look away from her.

"Well, I haven't forgiven him. How could you even forgive him after that? That man is a monster." I shake my head in disapproval.

"Enough Lauren!" She shouts and I jump at her tone.

I look back to her, and her eyes are starting to water. She's only yelling because she knows I'm right.

"Don't you ever say that again, do you understand me?"

We stare into each other's eyes for a brief moment.

"No, I don't." I mumble loud enough for her to here.

Mother snatches my phone off of my lap and stands from my bedside.

"Seriously?" I stare up at her.

"You'll get this back once you learn respect." She opens my bedroom door and slams it shut behind her.

I groan loudly, throwing myself onto my back to stare up at the spinning ceiling fan. This day couldn't get any worse.