Deciding on You || a.i. (Book 2)

11 | Maddie

It is impossible to get rid of the pit in my stomach at the thought of seeing Ashton outside of school for longer than five minutes. I can't tell if I'm nervous or excited. It's most likely both but, either way, I want to throw up.

Too much thought is going into how I look, too. I don't want to care about looking nice for him. He's seen me completely bare, with nothing to hide me from his judgment but my own skin, and he still loves me. He's dug deeper than that, too, staring into the void in my soul that Ethan left. And he stayed.

Regardless, though, even if that didn't happen and I had a reason to fear him judging me, I shouldn't care. We are not together, and I'm not trying to get back together with him. I don't need him.

Not at all.

I'm in the middle of putting foundation on when I give up on doing my makeup. He's seen me without it and who cares, right? Not me.

I'm running late now, anyway, but that's fine too. I shouldn't seem too eager to see Ashton; that would give him the wrong impression. I'm going to this party for his little brother and no one else.

I let out a quiet groan while I finish blending my foundation, harshly slamming its bottle down onto my bathroom counter. This is going to be a long afternoon, and I know it. I shouldn't have agreed to show up to the party; I really shouldn't have.

I'd been planning on changing out of my sweats but, again, who cares? Not me. I pull on my boots and my winter jacket and shut my lights off, taking a deep breath.

I can do this. I don't have to stay for long. I just have to show up, eat some cake and maybe some pizza, and give Harry the gift that I picked up for him at the last minute. If I'm lucky, I will get to drink some wine, but that's only if I have to stay any longer than a half hour.

Downstairs, Cooper is in the midst of putting his own winter jacket on. He musses up his hair to pull on a black beanie before we meet eyes.

"Where are you going?" I ask hopefully. I know they aren't even on speaking terms, let alone go-to-your-little-brother's-birthday-party terms, but maybe...

"Out," he says, pulling the front door open. "Why? Do you need a ride or something?"

"Um," I pause, shifting the weight in my feet. "No, I'm going to Ashton's for his brother's birthday, so I'll just walk."

Walking down the street is the first step in my 'getting better' process. His house is a mere five minute walk away, but I get sick just thinking about doing it. So, it's a start.

"Ashton's?" He asks, scoffing on his way out the door and shaking his head, "You're an idiot."

I can't even defend myself before he's out the door, and I don't feel like chasing after him. I have to save all of my energy for feeling anxious for the next five minutes. I wait until I see the headlights of whoever just picked him up's car pull away, and then I'm out the door myself.

It's only six but, thanks to daylight savings, it's already dark outside. I hold my breath the moment I step onto the sidewalk and by the time I'm two houses down, I can feel my heart pounding in my eardrums. This is ten times harder than it should be.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and finally let out my breath. I've never been so thankful to see a text from Ashton, to see any distraction at all.

don't feel like you have to come if you don't want to :/

I'm only a half hour late, and he thinks I'm not coming to the party. I pick up the pace while I type back a response, for both his sake and my own.