bob duncan can touch my PRNDL ;) bob duncan and mr moseby fanfic

dank

  japan is an island by the seas filled with volcanoes and its BEAUTIFUL! In the year negative a billion, Japan may of not have been here. But in the year -40,000, it was here. And you could walk to it. Some people walked to it. Then it became warmer, some icebergs melted, and now there's lots of TREES because it's warmer. So now there's people on the islands they're hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology like stones and bowls. DING DONG! It's the outside world and they have technology from the future (bronze age) like really good metal and CRAZY RICE FARMS. Now you could make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something EVERYBODY NEEDS TO SURVIVE. So that makes you king. Rice farms and kingdoms spread across the land, and the most important parts were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most, most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or "emperor" for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's RELIGION. The prince wants everyone to try this hot, new religion from baekje. "Please try this religion" he said. "No" said everybody. "trrrryyyyy itttt!!!!" he said. "No" said everybody, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place (Buddhism) and all the rules that came with it. Then the government was taken over by ANOTHER CLIQUE and they made some reforms, like making the government govern more, and making their government more like China, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China" they said. "Hi dipshit." said China. "Can you call us something else other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. "How about SUNRISE LAND?" said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book about themselves, and then they made lots of poetry, art, and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital everytime the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. (Heian palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism and learns a better version, which is more SPIRITUAL, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be GREAT for a long time. And the Royal Palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? HIRE A SAMURAI! Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich people who could afford samurai hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford samurai did not hire samurai. The Samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own government here. They let the emperor still be "emperor" but the shogun was really in charge. BREAKING NEWS! The mongols have invaded China. "We've invaded China" they said "Please respect us or else we will invade you too." "Ok" said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war and died in a tornado. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the japanese and then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate and then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate. And the "emperor" can still dress like an emperor if he wants thats fine. NOW THERES MORE ART! Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. ITS TIME FOR WHO'S GOING TO BE THE NEXT SHOGUN? Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid so he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk to be the next shogun. He says "ok." But then the shogunate has a kid. Now who's it gonna be? VOTE NOW ON YOUR PHONES! And everybody voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. And the shogunate didn't care he was off doing poetry somewhere. The whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power and it's anybody's game. KNOCK KNOCK! It's Europe. No, they're not here to take over (yet) they just wanna sell some shit like clocks and guns and JESUS! So that's cool but everyone's still fighting each other for control. NOW WITH GUNS! And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling it. This clan is ready to make a run for it but first they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. SURPRISE! Smaller clan wins. And the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering japan when someone who works for him kills him and then someone else who works for them kills them and that guy finishes conquering japan. Then he confiscated everybody's swords. And made some rules. "And now I'm going to invade Korea and hopefully China" he said, and then died. But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of japan. And the five guys said "Yeah right. It's not gonna be this kid. It's gonna be one of us. We're GROWNUPS." And it's probably gonna be this guy, who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight. AND HE WINS! And starts a new government, right here, EDO!!!! And he STILL lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. But don't get confused. THIS is the new government and they are very strict. So strict that they close the country. Nobody can leave or come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit. But they have to do it right here. Now that the country was not at war with itself the population increased A LOT. Business was increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published, there was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economical and cultural prosperity gradually started to go d-KNOCK KNOCK. ITS THE UNITED STATES. WITH HUGE BOATS. AND GUNS. GUNBOATS. "OPEN THE COUNTRY. STOP HAVING IT BE CLOSED." said the United States. There's really nothing that Japan could do so they signed a country that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit the country any time that they want to. Choshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks." they said. "This sucks!!!!" and with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the Shogunate and somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to edo which they renamed eastern capital. They made a new government, which was "a lot more western"-new york times. They made a new constitution, which was pretty western. They had a military that was pretty western. And do you know what else is western? It's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? KOREA! They conquer Korea, taking it from it's original owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia comes in out of nowhere like, "stop no you can't take that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. And then when the railroad was finished they downgraded to A FUCK TON. Did I say downgraded? Sorry, I meant upgraded. And Japan says "can you maybe chill?" and Russia says "how about maybe YOU chill?" Japan is kinda scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Britain form an alliance together so that they can be "a little less scared of Russia". Feeling confident, Japan goes to war with Russia, but then they both get tired and stop. IT'S TIME FOR WORLD WAR 1!!! The world is about to have a war because its the 1900s and weapons are getting CRAZY and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff, and wants MMMMOOOORRRREEEE. And the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands, all of that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which is being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia, who is ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria is getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Actually he shot him in the head. And Britain is friends with Japan, so you know what that means, DUH, JAPAN SHOULD TAKE THE ISLANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Which they wanted to do anyway, so they called britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know. And then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some weapons and stuff. Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan! You TECHNICALLY fought in the war so you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes where they decided who owns what. And yes Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance called THE LEAGUE OF NATIONS! who's mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The great depression is bad and Japan's economy is now crappy but the military is doing just fine and it invades manchuria and the league of nations is like "stop no you can't do that if you're in the league of nations you're supposed to not take over the world!" and Japan was like, "HOW BOUT I DO ANYWAY???" And Japan invaded more, and more, and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire east. YOU'VE GOT MAIL! It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and he's trying to take over the world and needs some friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They decided to become friends because they all have so much in common. IT'S TIME FOR WORLD WAR 2 (the sequel)!!!! Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors neighbors, and then the neighbors neighbors neighbors who happen to be Britain said "HOLY SHIT!" and the United States started helping Britain because they are GOOD FRIENDS. And started not helping Japan because they are friends and our friends are not friends, plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean. The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on TV and The United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them, in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also start help chasing Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works, so they drop one on Japan. They actually dropped two. Japan installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a POST-WAR ECONOMIC MIRACLE! Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can and also better than everybody else. They get rich, the economy goes wild, and then the miracle wears off. But everything is still pretty cool, I guess. BYE!