The Revival of Hope

2. Bellamy

"Indra!" I screamed. A fire was still cracking slightly ten feet or so away from me, giving me a small amount of light.

It was barely enough to see the chains as I pulled on my shackles as hard as I could, the metal rattling against the walls of the cave and the cuffs digging into my wrists.

My wrists felt raw and everything was numb. I'd been at this for awhile now. I couldn't tell how how much time had gone by but it was long enough.

Indra was long gone by now but I was hoping that she was only outside, that she was waiting for Octavia, or that wherever she was, she could still hear my screams.

But I knew that all of that was a hopeless thought. Just as hopeless as my thinking that Clarke would stay for me after Mt. Weather or that I could've saved her from Roan, that I could've brought her back from Polis with me, that I keep her in Arkadia when she finally came back.

All of those were just as hopeless as I was now. It was pointless.

Stupid.

Idiotic.

A waste of my time, and yet I still did it anyways. I still tried to do what was best for people, what I thought was best.

And the one time I did what I thought was best for me, a way to get Clarke back and keep her safe, keep the people safe that we risked everything for, I sentenced so many people to death.

I could feel tears coming to my eyes as my knees finally gave out from under me and I turned, collapsing against the wall and slowly I let myself slide down against the cold, hard and uneven rocks that satisfied as a floor.

I remembered what Clarke said to me when I last saw her, "this isn't who you are."

But she was wrong. She was so wrong.

Since she left I tried to keep telling myself that what she said was true, that I wasn't a monster, I was just a person making bad decisions, but that wasn't true.

I was more broken then when she convinced me of that fact the first time. I was more damaged, more tarnished by the life that we all lead down here.

There were some things that we did to survive, but there was some that we did that all I wished for a way to change them. The killings in mount weather was the big one, I wish we had enough time to come up with a batter solution. Jasper would still have Maya and he wouldn't be in the place that he was in now. And Clarke wouldn't have left.

But I wished to change the grounder massacres. They didn't have to be killed, most in cold blood. Monroe didn't need to die for an idiotic cause that Pike drew up, neither did Gina or anyone else who was in there with her, and neither did anyone who was being locked up in Arkadia right now.

I was a monster.

I hurt anyone who was near me.

Angrily I sat up, leaning away from the wall as I began tugging on my chains again, the cuffs on my wrists cut the final bit into my skin. I gritted my teeth as blood started to drip down my arms.

My arms fell and weakly landed back in front of me as I let myself fall back against the wall. I closed my eyes as my breath came in gasps.

A few stray tears rolled down my face, with all its cuts and bruises and all the pain I carried.

I was there for awhile, wallowing in pity, when I heard the sound of horse hooves.

Grounders.