Envy (Sequel to Deceit)

Who am I?

"So kill me now," I whispered, my voice as soft as velvet, "I'm defenceless and if you truly believe I'm that much of a threat then do it," I commanded, my eyes meeting his in a kind of sad resolution. I had exhausted all my anger and all my tears, I hadn't enough energy for anything else. My lips parted slightly and my mind wandered, tiptoeing over thoughts of death and safety. Were they not the same?

I had all but given up.

"What is this trickery?" Sirius gasped, his eyes wide in confusion.

"No tricks," I sighed, "life is far too difficult and I am weary of it, do a girl a favour?"

"You sound far older than your age" he remarked, lowering his wand a little.

"Life has not been kind to me, Sirius, I am hardly a child anymore," I muttered, sinking down onto the floor, "Anything that remained from my childhood, from the little freedom I possessed was ripped away before I even reached my sixteenth birthday. At the age of fourteen I ran the estate, managed money and ,with the help of only a house elf and a squib, took care of myself. You have no idea what I would do to go back to those days... "I trailed off, staring up at the ceiling, squeezing my eyes together to prevent the impossible tears.

"Come, let's talk elsewhere," Sirius gestured, helping me up and leading me up the main stairs.

We came to a small room, furnished with only a few chairs but these were not the focal point of the room; a family tree adorned the walls, branching out over all four. Here and there an ugly burn was visible.

"My mother did that," Sirius remarked, noting my gaze, "sit and talk. When you are done, I want to show you something," he gestured to the nearest chair and I sat tentatively watching him.

"Wh-what do you want to know?" I stuttered.

"Everything," he replied simply, "your childhood, Xander, but perhaps most importantly, what did you see last year?"

I gulped, biting my lip as I mulled the thoughts over gently.

"My childhood was nothing special: no parents, raised by my governess who died when I was thirteen, her daughter, a squib, remained in residence. The paintings talked too much, the house was too empty but really I had little to complain about.

Next-Xander. What to say? We dated, split up, kissed, made up. He knows me better than anyone and I would be lost without him," I paused, realising the vagueness my account carried but there was another reason for my pause. I didn't want to continue, I didn't want to tell it all, not to Sirius.

"Go on," he encouraged, leaning forward in his seat.

"I will continue... On one condition,"

Sirius raised a brow but said nothing so I continued "you must vow never to say a word of this to anyone"

He was silent then after a moment he nodded. It wasn't an answer; he would tell, he wouldn't keep quiet and why should he? I chose my words carefully, ever aware of his emotionless gaze.

"This year has seemed to me a millennia. So much yet so little... As a year at Hogwarts normally will, it started normally or at least as normal as it could. Then Xander 'died'. A trick of Barty Crouch, disguised as the Auror Moody; the same night that he begun his master plan was the night I learned he was an impostor; only one person except for myself knows what happened that night after everyone had left, even she doesn't know it all. Crouch... he... he tortured me, they... they wanted me to... It doesn't matter. I said no. I said I wouldn't, I screamed 'never'. He left me. At least Crouch did, he didn't bother me again, in fact the next time we met in my hatred I more than returned his gift. Do you want to know the worst part? I enjoyed it, I wanted to make him suffer as I had suffered, I wanted to kill him and I almost did," I hung my head, ashamed of what I had done, embarrassed to tell it to someone who was so strong, so different.