We're so far away from you

I had my kids, my brother, but I needed more..

I know what you are thinking.

how come you did tell him before you left?

You could have convinced him to run away with you.

Or protect you.

but the thing is I didn't even know I was pregnant.

not until 3 months into my pregnancy.

but let me take you back five years ago.

me and Matt got settled into New York life.

We had plenty of money to hold us up for the rest of our lives.

Apparently our dad never told us how really successful the store was.

But we didn't like flashy things, or wanted an extravagant life style. So he got us a three bedroom apartment.

and a car.

We lived modestly never really telling anyone that we had bundles of cash in the bank.

but one morning as I was getting to head out to central park for a nice walk with Matt. I got sick.

I threw up first thing in the morning.

it caught me off guard the first day and thought nothing of it.

but a week of it straight was quite odd.

"Hey sis I think you need to go see a doctor. I mean its been a week of straight throwing up first thing you open your eyes."

"Yeah I think its just a stomach flu or something. its freaking me out."

I went to the doctors the next day.

"Uh Miss Black?"

"Yeah."

"The doctor would like to see you."

"Is it something bad?"

I am gonna die...shit I am not even 23 yet!

"Oh no Hun. The doctor would just like to discuss some results with you."

"Oh okay."

oh fuck I am gonna die.

I sat at the doctors desk biting my nails...tapping my foot and waited.

"Oh you must be Ms. Black I presume?'

"Yes I am...look is there something wrong with me? Am I gonna die?"

"What? oh no it's nothing like that."

"Then what is it?"

"First of I want to tell you congratulations."

"What do you mean?"

"You are pregnant Ms. Black."

what?!!

"Huh?"

"Its not the stomach flu, you are pregnant and if my calculations are correct you are having twins."

"Huh?"

"According to your family history it was high possibility you are a twin yourself right?"

"Yeah...huh?"

"Well Congratulations again, and I suggest you start taking prenatal vitamins, and make sure to get fresh air and exercise and take good care of yourself."

"oh...okay."

I was still in shock...I was pregnant...who?

how? well I know how...oh shit....Gerard is the father.

Well call him and tell him.

No that's not going to happen! I left him I can't exactly go oh yeah Gee I am pregnant with your kids and oh don't come looking for me. its better if he just thinks I am gone and doesn't know about our kids...well my kids now.

you are being selfish you know that right.

shut up!

yeah yeah yeah

I walked into my apartment and found Matt behind his laptop screen writing an article for his job.

he got a job as a music writer for a music magazine.

so he brought in some extra unneeded cash.

but he loved it and didn't want to give it up.

"Hey Ali what did the doctor say?"

"Man its a good thing you are already sitting down."

"What? Why? Are you sick?"

"Not exactly..."

"Then?"

"Alright I am just going to say it....Matt you are going to be an uncle."

"Huh?"

"You heard me."

"who? how? when?"

"Well when a man loves a woman and they want to show each other.."

"I know how it happens. but like who...oh shit."

"Yeah..."

"Are you going to tell him?"

"No I am here and I have you...you are going to help me right?"

"Of course I am not going to abandon you."

"Oh thank you."

"But one day you are going to have to tell him someday you know that right?'

"Yeah I know but I don't even know if I am going to give them his last name."

"Well we are going to figure that our later but we are going to have to get you some healthy things in here."

"Fine...i can still eat cupcakes right?'

"Occasionally alright?"

"Fine."

the months pasted and I got huge fast.

what did you expect I have carrying two kids and I had a small frame.

and ironically on April 9th.

its like the world was throwing the whole guilt in my face any chance it got.

my twins were born.

Luke Julien and Anabelle Lee Way

that day my whole world changed because I got a piece of Gerard with me.

they had their eyes...they looked like him.

same smile, laugh, the awkwardness.

when they got older it became more noticeable that they were his.

sometimes it pained me to look at them because they looked so much like their dad.

but now its like I see him everyday in a way.

I stayed at home because Matt didn't want me working.

he told me I was working for the majority of my life and I am not going to work a single day of life because we have everything we need.

I was happy I had my kids, my brother but I needed more somehow and I didn't know what it was but when the chaos twins turned 3 I discovered what it was.