'till the moment i found you

hi.

hey guys. so.... you probably heard the news that zachary sayle is leaving newsies on may first.

i am seeing the show on may twenty ninth.

i am absolutely devastated.

this probably sounds like im complaining or something but i just want to kind of express what i am feeling.

im just gonna kind of explain what happened when i found out because yea

so if you don't give a shit about this, which most of you probably might not, then don't keep reading. i just need to write this to keep myself sane.

so honestly, i had two things that were getting me through every week. friday rehearsals for wizard of oz, and the fact that i was meeting zachary sayle on the 29th of may, 2016. wizard of oz ends next week, and so i assumed i could cling on to the one shred of hope and excitement that i had been holding onto for over 200 days. today, all of that shattered.

i don't think there is a word to describe how i felt when i saw the post. i was walking to a van to go on a community service project, and my legs just about fell out from under me. i kept stumbling along the sidewalk so i could stay with my group, but my mind felt like it was shutting down or something. my friend(who is actually my crush lol) was standing there when i walked by,  tried to steady me and asked me what what wrong, but i couldn't answer him and i just kept walking and trying not to cry.

when i finally got into the car, i couldn't move. i just started crying. trying to attract as little attention to myself as possible, i looked out the window and wiped the tears off my cheeks. as we drove past the school, i saw my crush standing there, looking a little worried, but when he saw that i was crying his face seemed to fall even more.

i held myself together after the car ride until we got back to the school, where my mom was waiting to pick me up. as soon as i got into the car, i broke down again. i cried until i got home, and then cried for about two hours after that.

i felt like nothing was left to motivate me. i felt lost. i still feel lost. i don't know what to do.