Everything starts spinning. I feel all of the blood drain from my face and my mouth goes dry. My heart pounds violently in my throat and I can't even speak. Karen rushes to my side, but I'm not sure what she thinks she's going to do. Everything rushes through my head at that moment, and my emotions short-circuit.
"He's –"
Just as she starts her sentence, another doctor joins her. "He's unresponsive."
What? I was expecting 'dead.' This sounds like good news. I still can't speak, but my heart starts to beat again as I wait for an explanation. The man standing beside the confused red-head gives me what I'm sure he thinks is a reassuring smile, but it doesn't work. I know my face is showing every single emotion running through my mind right now. "Someone tell me what the fuck is happening," I say, my tone conveying the fact that I have absolutely no patience for confusion right now.
"His heart stopped for three minutes. We stopped trying to revive him. And then he took a breath. I've – we've never seen anything like it."
"He's okay?" That's all I need to hear right now.
"We're not sure. But he's breathing and his heart is beating," the doctor explains. "You can come back with me if you like."
I nod anxiously, letting him lead me through the doors toward Lindsey. I'm not ready to see him like this. I just knew that he'd be smiling at me the next time I saw him, heart beating strong. Can I handle this?
The doctor stops in front of me, and I realize we're there. The curtain is pulled back, and I see him through the window. No. No, I can't handle this. That body that had always been so strong looks so frail right now. The eyes that had always been the anchor in every storm are closed. What will I do if they never open?
I can't even let myself imagine that right now.
"Ms. Nicks, I wish I could give you an idea of what to expect, but right now we just don't know. His heart was weaker than we expected, and we're just not sure what this recovery will look like. And with no oxygen supply to his brain for several minutes... there could be damage."
"Can I go in there?"
"Not yet." I want to feel his hand. Suddenly I'm terrified that the next time I touch his hands they'll be cold. I need to hold his hands. Tears stream down my face and the tightness in my throat is starting to strangle me.
I always imagined that one of us would be there when the other died. That whoever went first, the other would be left alone, a piece of their soul suddenly torn off. I just never imagined that it would hurt so much to have your soul ripped apart. There is no me without him. Every fight we ever had, every argument and every disagreement seems so damn trivial right now. "Lindsey, you cannot fucking die on me. We're not there yet."
Our story is not done. He cannot exit this way. Maybe it's selfish. Honestly, I don't care that much if it is. Our business is not finished, and he cannot leave until it is. Period.
"Stevie?" Karen's voice startles me, but I can't take my eyes off of him. I feel her hand on my shoulder, and I try to shrug it off, but she holds on. "Honey, I don't want to make this moment any worse, but you need to know that Kristen is in the waiting room."
