Shy and Free™ A Book that Transforms Shyness

Ways that Transform Shyness

What's Next After Learning the Secret of Transforming Shyness?

Knowing that is perfectly normal to feel fear, knowing that safety can be created by you, both internal and external and knowing that you can control fear through conscious breathing gives you a new way to show up in the world. The next section has some ways to help you transform shyness and these are just examples, you can apply the secret of transforming shyness to any area of your life!

Always Have Something Meaningful to Say

Ever at a loss for words? Ever envy those with the gift of gab? Maybe learning to talk endlessly about anything is not for you, however, having a few meaningful things to say can change your life. The reason it is important to have meaningful conversation is that words tend to help make others comfortable because they can get to know you, whereas, silence tends to make others uncomfortable because they feel threatened and uncertain about you.

The secret is to know three meaningful "things" to say about yourself, three meaningful things to say about current events, and to be present and notice and express feelings about the current environment. This secret is both simple and powerful.

Actually "Things" are exactly what you do not want. "Thinging" means making yourself an object, something that we often do without our even knowing. ("PAIRING: How to Achieve Genuine Intimacy" by George R. Bach and Ronald M. Deutsch copyright 1970.) While this book was from the age of encounter groups, it has great truth that is timeless.

Example of what you do not want to do when meeting someone for the first time:

"Hi, I'm Kevin Rhea, 'Rhea' is Irish name but I was born in Alaska before it was a U.S. State. I am a computer programmer. And You?"

What is wrong with the above introduction? You probably hear many such introductions so what is the problem?

First, the introduction says nothing personal about me, it simply identifies some facts. Secondly and most importantly, it "things" me in the mind of the other person. All of their associations with other people named Kevin, the Irish culture, Eskimos, and computer programmers are put on me without their or my even realizing it. I become Kevin, the Irish Eskimo Programmer.

Maybe you think, "That's kind of interesting – Kevin, the Irish Eskimo Programmer" but if you really want to make meaningful contact with someone, you must not "thing" yourself because once "thinged", it is difficult to change this impression as all new information is placed into the existing "thinged" categories.

A better introduction would be:

"Hi, I 'm happy to meet you. It feels great to be at this outdoor cafe after being inside all day. I spend as much time as I can outdoors. That is a beautiful sweater you are wearing, is it a favorite of yours?"

This is better start to an introduction because:

1. No "thinging" is done my feelings about the current environment are expressed (great to be at the cafe)

2. Something important about me is expressed (I love the outdoors)

3. I notice something personal about the other person (beautiful sweater)

As the conversation continues, I can express more things that are important to me as well as discuss current events and what is happening around me. The combination of being personal, being present, and talking about current events encourages a natural conversation which is meaningful and flows between what is important to me, what is important to my partner, what is happening around me and my partner, and what is happening in the world.