house of memories | phan

3. i'm just jealous because you're more alive than i'll ever be

*tw*

Every night since the incident, I've spent my hours watching YouTube videos, in particular AmazingPhil. Even though I've watched lots of different YouTubers in the past, AmazingPhil's vlogs feel so calming and reassuring to watch. He acts like there's nobody watching him in his bedroom as he talks about whatever he did during his day or about animals. More importantly, Phil makes me smile like I haven't smiled in a long time. In the space of two weeks I've watched all of his videos and some nights I go to sleep feeling a little empty when he hasn't uploaded any new content and I don't have any other videos to watch.

And yesterday evening I got my phone back after it fell out of my pocket when I slipped out of the window at school the other day, and Adrian returned it to me saying that some guy came up to him in the cafeteria holding my phone and told him to give it back to me. The screen was slightly shattered in the bottom right corner of the screen but I didn't care. I had my phone back, and that was all that mattered to me.

I open my eyes to bright, hazy sunlight. It must be past three in the afternoon, but I don't even remember going to take a rest. How long have I been asleep for? An hour? Two hours? Recently, I also find myself going to sleep at random times during the day; and not even because I'm sleepy or tired. Well, at least not physically. I just feel constantly mentally exhausted and I guess that sleeping is my way of blocking out the work for a little while.

Sometimes, I wish I could sleep forever.

Suddenly, my phone chimes and I bolt upright in my bed, with my arms flailing around trying to find the phone. My fingers wrap around the cool grey metal of my up phone and I pick it up, blinking at the screen with bleary eyes. After another minute or two, my eyes finally mange to read the text message I received.

pls do us a favour nd go chug some bleach thnx

I stare at my blindingly bright screen and the blood drains from my face. I reread the message over and over until black dots begin to swim across my vision, and I toss my phone across the room where it lands on a beanbag, unharmed. The number the message is from is a blocked number, so it could literally be from anyone, though I'm guessing it's from one of the boys at my school. For fuck sake.

I thought that staying at home was the only way I could hide and escape from them, but now someone has my phone number and I don't know what to do. Should I get a new phone number? Should I smash my phone up? Should I just ignore the message and pray they never message me again?

I wonder what it's like to be a YouTuber, like AmazingPhil. How many hateful comments does he get? Sure, he gets positive ones too but as humans we don't know how to take compliments and it's always the negative comments that stick with us and make us self-conscious.

Across the room, my phone chimes with a new message.

I feel sick, and my skull feels like it's made of lead. My head is fucking spinning like it's caught in a spinning washing machine. With shaking fingers, I push my duvet away from my body and force myself to walk across the room in my bare feet. The air suddenly feels thick and hot and my lungs are deflated.

I pick up the phone and press the home button, and the screen illuminates my skin in the darkness of my bedroom.

just go kill yourself

Just as I feel my eyes begin to burn with tears, my phone chimes again. I close my eyes and pray that it's from my grandmother or my phone service or any fucking one that isn't someone from my school.

you're never going to be important to anybody

I gasp as a sob rips through my body, and escapes through my lips. I kneel down on the cold, wooden floor and power my iPhone completely off. The worst part is that I don't know what to do about these messages, and I don't have anyone to tell. No one would care anyway.