house of memories | phan

7. you're the only friend i need

I open my eyes to people sitting across from me on the train, some with their eyes glued to their phones, some sleeping and some staring fixedly outside the window. I'm not sure how long I have been asleep for but it can't have been long because I still recognise a lot of the passengers that I saw before I closed my eyes.

My music is turned up way too loud in my headphones, and Showbiz by Muse is almost finished playing. It's such a good song, if I'm honest. I think it describes me and my life almost too well, and it always leaves me feeling emotional and like I've been punched in the stomach numerous times when it's over.

Controlling my feelings for too long
Forcing our darkest souls to unfold
Pushing us into self destruction;
They make me dream your dreams
They make me scream your screams

And the lyrics are repeated over and over, louder and louder and it's so beautiful to my ears. I cry almost every time, but I didn't cry this time because I was completely asleep for most of it. Thank God. Otherwise I'd be giving everyone on this fucking train another reason to stare at my ugly face.

I quickly glance at the time on my iPhone, and it tells me that it's currently 4:26pm. That means that I'm only a half an hour away from Piccadilly station where Phil is waiting for me to arrive. My legs feel like logs when I try to uncross them, and I silently wonder if there is any blood flowing through the veins in my legs at all.

Fun fact: because I'm so fucking tall and lanky the blood takes centuries to actually make its way up through my body from my legs so when I stand up too fast I usually end up falling flat on my face. I think the condition is called orthostatic hypotension, or something similar, honestly I don't really care but I wouldn't honestly be surprised if there wasn't any blood in my feet at the moment. The pins and needles right now are bloody painful.

I grimace as I open Twitter and scroll through my timeline. Nothing exciting seems to be happening in the world, just the usual ranty garbage that people post to nobody in particular. I quickly take a selfie, making sure that no one else sees me doing it because I don't want people to think I'm vain, and post it on my Twitter account. My fingers rush out a random caption about being excited to meet AmazingPhil in real life, which totally underestimates how hard my heart is pounding and how loud my head is screaming. I can't wait.

I continue to upload some random things to Dailybooth and I answer eleven Formspring questions, just to keep myself occupied. Some of the questions are about how to make a decent YouTube video, and some are about my meet-up with Phil today.

I gasp out loud as everything suddenly sinks in. I'm meeting AmazingPhil; my favourite YouTuber in the world and my internet best friend. The lady across from me looks at me strangely, but I don't care. I don't care at all.

Outside my window, the world whizzes by at lightning speed, and on the horizon I can just about see the outline of a city filled with tall buildings and offices. As the train veers closer to Manchester, my stomach begins to twist. What if Phil doesn't like me? What if he thinks I'm too weird? What if Phil isn't there?

Shut up, I hiss at my stupid thoughts. Phil will be there. He told me he would.

We pass under brick bridges, and suddenly the bridges become more frequent. We're getting closer. I send a message to Phil;

Nearly at Manchester :D I'll see you soon.

The buildings seem to have grown larger in the past fifteen minutes and now I can see the city properly. It's filled with brick houses and estates, and buildings that are storeys high and I even think I can see a football stadium.