house of memories | phan

4. and in the haze you'll see colours

It's almost like the entire world was black and white, and it has suddenly exploded into the brightest colours. I can hear the clock ticking on my wall but it feels as if time is frozen. Everything is Phil.

I can't believe what just happened. I want to scream and rip my fucking face off.

And he followed me on Twitter just so he could send me a private message. Oh my God.

Breathlessly, I try to type out a reply to him and my fingers quiver hopelessly. My fingers fire out random, nervous words and I'm not happy with sending Phil a rushed message, especially now that I have his attention, but I'm too happy to care.

You're welcome!! I type out, and I suddenly realise that I'm holding my breath. My lungs burn from the lack of oxygen. I think you are really amazing and I've watched all of your videos <3 What computer programs do you use for video editing?

I close my eyes and hit send, biting down on my tongue. I can hear my blood thundering through my body in my ears. I can't believe this just happened. My favourite YouTuber noticed me. He knows I exist.

Suddenly, my phone chimes again and I almost drop my phone onto my floor. In the space of exactly twenty-seven seconds, AmazingPhil replied to me. I can't believe that I actually have his attention right now. I can't believe that he responded to me twice today, so far. Oh my God.

Aww that's so sweet thx so much <3 I just use some basic editing programs that came on my laptop. are you a youtuber too?

I have to keep reminding myself to breathe, and I can already feel my lungs beginning to ache from the lack of air.

im not a youtuber yet, I type back. I d really like to make videos but I'm scared of what everyone will think of me. I dont know if ppl will like me tbh

I glance down at my legs and they've stopped bleeding, thankfully. I quietly promise myself that I'll never, ever cut myself again. I hope that I can keep that promise though.

I think you should do it! make one video at least, and if you're unhappy with it then you can delete it/private it. just do a small intro vid maybe? don't worry about what others think of you. the only opinion that should matter is your own x

I sigh. If only he knew about how many people hate my guts in this town. It's easy for him to make videos when he has supportive friends and maybe even family too. But me? No one cares about me. If I fell asleep one night and didn't wake up the town would probably have a celebration.

I quickly tell Phil about why I'm so scared of posting a video online about myself, how I'm frightened of people from my school finding it and maybe using it against me. I tell him about the shitty days I have and how his videos somehow make things feel alright, even when everything is falling apart. I tell him about my girlfriend who broke up with me four months ago over university choices. I tell him about how much my mother hates me and my dad is never home so I hardly know him.

why does your mother hate u? Phil says.

Here it is. Here's the topic that I hate talking about so much, the topic that make everybody and everything hate me and the thing that makes me different from all of the other boys at school. It makes me a target. I don't want to lie to Phil though, and I doubt that he'll care. He's been really kind to me so far.

she hates me because i'm not straight, like my perfect little brother :/

I hit send and wait. The silence seems to last forever and the more I wait on a reply, the more worried I get that I've turned him off me and now he won't talk to me anymore either. My heart races and I jump when my phone vibrates again.

oh that's awful :O are you gay or bi or what's your sexuality?

I feel tears rushing to my eyes. He doesn't hate me. Finally someone who doesn't hate me for liking guys, besides my brother who just feels sorry for me.

bi. wbu?

His reply is almost instant.

I'm bisexual too :) I'm lucky to have a family who's accepting of me. have you ever had any boyfriends, or was it just that one girl you mentioned above? >.<

I lean back against my bed and sigh. My eye catches sight of the clock on my beside locker and I gasp out loud. We've been messaging each other back and fourth for two hours now. How hasn't he gotten bored of me yet?

I've never dated a boy before. I've had a couple of girlfriends, and one really serious one until we broke up a few months ago.

Phil tells me about his current boyfriend then, and I feel my chest tighten with jealousy. Phil tells me that his name is Charlie Skies, and that he's a YouTuber. He tells me how important he is to him and I restrain myself from telling Phil that he could do better than Charlie Skies.

Three hours later with my eyelids sliding shut, I say goodnight to Phil and I turn my phone off for the night, still unable to comprehend that actual fucking AmazingPhil spent five hours today talking to me. Me; plain, boring, Daniel James Howell from Berkshire with no purpose or direction in life, who everyone hates passionately and who drives everybody away eventually. Phil spent his time with me.

And somehow, that makes everything feel okay.