Chances

Chapter 4

I woke up the next day at around noon. You know that feeling you get after you cry a lot? The one where you feel like doing nothing and just lying there because crying took all your engery?  I felt like that only about 10 times worse. I finally got up and changed into my sweats and somewhat did my hair. Which meant I brushed it and then just tied it up in a sloppy pony tail. I sighed and walked down the stairs. I walked past the couch and then walked back to it. I saw my dad lying on the couch with a bottle of Bud Light in his hand and a family phtograph in the other. I let out another small sigh and took the bottle out of his hands and got a blanket out for him. It probably would of been better if I had woken him up, so we could talk about mom, but I decided he needed time. He really did. And so did I. We were both just gonna have to take this all a step at a time. We would make it through. At least I hoped it would. I walked into the kitchen and froze. Suddenly all the memories we had shared here flashed in my mind. I walked slowly and let my hand run along the wall, letting small meaningless memories fill my head. Things I hadn't ever given a second thought to.

"Do you wanna cookie Rain?" My mother said as she bent down and handed me a chocolate chip cookie. She was much younger looking then. She had blonde hair and the happiest brown eyes on this side of the world.

"Yessum mama!" I said as my chubby little fingers grabbed the cookie.

"What do you say?"

"Thank you," I said as I hugged her leg tightly and nibbled on the cookie. She smiled and ruffled my hair. 

A million other memories like that poured out of me. The day we tried to bake homemade brownies for my homeroom class and ended up burning them all. The Christmas when dad tried to help us cook dinner and he ended up spilling half of it on the floor. So many memories in one small room, it's amazing how much the little things mean. How much I didn't pay attention to them. I let out a bitter laugh. Life is full of bullshit. I shook my head and walked towards the fridge. I opened it, looked at it, then closed it again. I opened the cabnets, grabbed a bag of popcorn then just put it back. Not in the mood for food. I decided to just go back upstairs and sleep some more. I didn't feel like eating, or seeing anyone. Especially not Chance. 

I walked past the couch again and looked at my dad.I looked at him, really looked at him. He looked so old. His once thick brown hair had started to thin and had small lines of grey. His face looked so tired, he had wrinkles that I'd never really noticed, he looked drained.  Mom looked just like him. Only she looked less adult, her eyes looked like a lost child's; Confused and scared. He had bags under his eyes and a bit of stubble on his chin. He had a long narrow face and a thin nose with thin lips to match. I looked more like my mom but I had his eyes. Most people said I had his personality too. I was stronger than I needed to be, quiet, but yet, around those I trusted I let loose, I was talkitive. Unlike my mother who lived day by day, was completely unplanned, you couldn't tell what she was going to do next. Maybe that's why they fell in love, what one lacked the other had. I bet it was beautiful at first...I put my hand on his cheek and then walked back upstairs. 

I sighed and looked around my room. It was still a mess. I kicked over a pile of clothes and jumped onto my bed. I stared up at the ceiling thinking about Chance.  Does running away from Chance make me a run away like my mom? Maybe I'm not as different from her as I thought I was. Maybe we're the same. Maybe I'm just a big of a coward as she is. Suddenly I found myself thinking about his soft lips, his chuckle, and the way his eyes seem to twinkle when he smiles. I shook my head hard. Why is it so bad to fall for him? Why can't I just let myself fall? WELL for one thing, you just met the guy two days ago! It's too soon to fall in love. Love at first sight only happens in fairy tales and cliche movies. Please. Get serious now. And for another thing, the last time you let yourself fall for a guy, he left you on the side of the road with your heart in your hands barely beating. 

I was so lost in thought that I didn't notice my dad come into the room.

"Rain?" he said as he slowly opened the door.

"Yeah dad?" 

"Oh you're still here. Good. You were so quiet that I thought you'd left..."

"...I'd never leave you dad..." I said as he came and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"That's what Debby said," he sighed and looked at me with tired and sad eyes.

"I'm sorry Rain. This is my fault. If I had been a better husband, she would of been happier. She would of stayed. She would still be smiling that smile that I fell in love with back in high school. You would have a normal family. I did this. I'm sorry,"  he said as he looked up to the ceiling. I saw a tear come out of his eyes. I had never seen my father cry. Never. That was the first time ever. I crawled over to him and put my arm around him.

"I...I don't think it's your fault dad. I just think mom...didn't know how to handle this. She just didn't know how to be grown up. I think she was a teenager, in the body of a middle aged woman. If that makes sense. She was afraid. We couldn't stop her from being afraid. We couldn't stop her even if we had given her a million reasons dad," I said as I looked at the wall feeling tears stream down my face. 

"I'm sorry we made you grow up so fast, Rain," Dad said as he held me close and wiped the tears from his eyes. 

"You're so mature for your age. It's kiind of sad, you should be carefree and wild, you're young. I'm sorry you had to grow up listening to our arguments," he sighed. 

"Dad..."

"Yes?"

"She's not coming back is she?" I said feeling my voice crack as I started to cry a little louder.

"No honey...I don't think she is," he said as he held me close and cried. We cried together for awhile. Eventually we both stopped crying and my dad ordered us chinese food. He still looked sad, but he looked as if he was going to try harder. I was still in the same place with my feelings towards Chance, but I didn't hate my mom. I was still angry at her for leaving us. I don't think I could ever forgive her for doing that. For just leaving me and my dad here, but I didn't hate her. She did what she thought was right. Maybe it was right for her, but it wasn't right for me and my dad. She did what she thought would solve all her problems, she didn't think it would bring on new ones for us. Life's funny like that, it throws you unexpected things and then expects you to make the best of them, even if the things it throws at you are completely broken and useless. You have to make the best of it.