Changing My World

When it all began to go wrong...

Mike has literally got us all gathered in the kitchen round the table, to do our homework. I only have English thank goodness. I have to write that stupid poem and honestly it's killing me.

Song writing is easy because there is a beat to it that you can use as a stimulus but with poems, you have to make it totally from scratch.

I was left with Jody at the end of it all. It was beginning to get dark and we were the only two who were still working. Jody was making a collage or something and I haven't even written the first verse of my poem.

I've had many attempts but I just end up tearing out the Patel scrunching it up and tossing it towards the bin, missing almost every time.

"Finally!" Jody exclaimed as she jumped out of her seat. I think she has finally finished her work, leaving me all alone in the dimly lit room. She ran off upstairs, probably to go to bed. I know the little ones have all gone to sleep now.

----------

After ages, Mike came in and sat beside me.
"So your first day didn't go to well then?"

"You could say that"

"I've seen the video of assembly"

"What video?"

"The school were recording the assembly to add to a film for new students. They caught everything on tape"

"Great,"

"Are you going to tell me why?"

"Nope"

"At least let me help you with this homework."

"You can't, I have to write a stupid poem. I'll never manage. How long have I been sat here trying?"

"Just over three hours! Look, just do it how you would write a song, then change the rhythm and hey presto! But time to do it in your bedroom now yeah?"

I nodded and picked up all of my things before heading upstairs. Tee and Sasha were chatting away inside their bedroom and I'm sure they weren't the only ones awake.

I walked into my room and Ryan wasn't there. He must be in the shower or something. I sat at the desk and turned on the lamp. It took a long time but eventually I had something that vaguely resembled poetry.

It was personal though. Too personal for anyone's eyes. Why do I do this? I folded up the paper and put it inside my diary, I'll use that to write a song.

I decided to just write a really bad poem and say it's the best I can do. I just want to sleep. In the end I came up with this...

You think you understand me, but you don't.
What you see isn't being myself, isn't me.

That I don't seam weak doesn't mean I'm not,
That you don't see me cry doesn't mean the tears don't fall.

You may see a fighting soldier who picks the fight
But honestly, deep down I'm dying inside.

So never tell me you get me, you really don't. Nobody does.

It's rubbish I know but I have to hand something in right? "Done yet?" I heard Ryan say from his bed. I didn't even notice him come back in.

"Yeah it's all sorted." I said, getting up and into bed myself.

"Cool. Now you can tell me what's wrong"

"Or, we can just go to sleep and hope tomorrow will be better"

"No way!" He said sitting on my bed.

"Ryan go to sleep"

"Once you tell me why you were acting like somebody completely different in school today"

He gave me a solemn look. I'm not getting out of this.

"Fine. I tried, OK? But being back and school reminded me of Emily, of the other bullies, they way they bullied me and caused my self harm and....well that's it really"

"Misbehaving won't help"

"I know but I can't help it. It just...happens"

"Well, what about your poem? English seems alright yeah?"

"No. I ended up writing a song then a short crap poem that I'm handing in tomorrow"

"Oh. Why aren't you handing in the song?"

"It's too personal. I don't want anybody else to see it."

"Fair enough" he got up and returned to his own bed.

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Ryan's POV

Marie is in the bathroom and I know the song she wrote is in her diary, which is lying, open, on the desk. I shouldn't but I can't help it. I need to see how personal it is. What can she possibly be hiding that's so bad?

I sat down at the desk and looked at the paper that she was writing on last night. There were a few tear stains on it. She must have been crying whilst she wrote it.

It read...

'I know it hurts
I know it burns
They cut with razor blade words
And you die a little...'

It's about her going into care and losing all the people she cared about and all the people she thought cared for her, like Emily.

"Ryan?!" I heard her yell as she entered the room. She angrily stormed over to me and grabbed the paper out of my hand.

"Marie...I'm sorry...I didn't..."

"Get out!" She screamed on the brink of tears. The crack in her voice made my heart break but I've messed up.

"Look Marie I didn't mean to..."

"What? Didn't mean to read it? Did it just fall into your hands and your eyes happened to look down at it and read it?" I sat in shock. I can't believe it.

"How much did you read?" She asked, holding the paper tightly to her chest.

"Only a tiny little bit"

"Why?!"

"Because you said it was personal. You never tell anyone how your feeling or why your sad. I want to make you happy again so I thought if I read it I could figure out what's wrong..."

"And how's that working out for you?"

There was an awkward silence as I started at the floor. "I'm sorry"

"Good for you"

"No I really am ill do anything to make it up to you please?!"

"Yeah? You can go away"

It was painful. Emotionally. Physically. I can't stand it. I got my duvet and pillow and set up the sofa for my nights sleep. There's no way she is going to speak to me now anyway.

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Marie's POV

I don't know what time it is. I don't know who else is awake or if there's any chance of me going to sleep. All I know is that since Ryan left, I've been sat against the door like a heated mess.

I just feel like I've been betrayed. He is the first person I think I trusted, the first person from this place definitely. Then he just goes and reads my personal things, I told him not too. It old him it was personal. He didn't listen. He never really does.

It's just like my world is refusing to function. Family has gone down the drain, school didn't go well, friends come and go and how this.

They say opposites attract. I don't believe it all. Perhaps I'm now denying my attraction towards him because I'm blinded by how much I hate him right now.

I just need to figure myself out.