Changing My World

Letting in All Out

It was dinner time, and everybody was staring at me as I awkwardly ate my jacket potato.

"Do you want a picture or something?" I snapped.

"Mike told us you're doing your song in assembly tomorrow" Sasha said in disbelief.

"It's true. So afterwards you can all stop going on about how I never tell you anything and how I never express myself"

"As long as it sounds good" she sighed.

The rest of the meal was silent. I know that Floss was annoyed that she won't actually hear the song, neither will Harry, Finn or the twins because they are all still in primary school.

"Mike can I use to laptop?" I asked. He nodded and I sat down in the office to do some work. It was all optional. I've taken screenshots of a million of the horrible messages I've been sent.

From Emily, from blonde at school, basically anybody who has ever decided it would be funny to abuse me. It's not ok.

After making the names blurry I made them into a PowerPoint that will be on whilst I play my song tomorrow. It will move from photo to photo pretty quickly,just enough time to read each comment in between.

I'm not sure why I decided to do this but it felt like, a release valve. Like, if people knew, they wouldn't do it, or they wouldn't be harsh or question me if I'm in a bad mood. And you know, to get these things out of my head, is probably healthier.

They weigh the most in my mind, more than anything else that's going on in my lousy excuse of a life.

Nobody has seen these. These messages are from social media. The only people who say the text messages were Carmen, Tee and Ryan, and my phone was destroyed so I can't use any of those ones.

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I headed up to bed as everybody else watched a film. I don't feel like sitting in a crowded room where people would ask questions and demand answers.

I crawled into bed after putting on my pyjamas and doing my teeth and hair. I didn't out much effort in. I'm just never motivated anymore. I'm always fed up. Fed up of trying for things, trying for people who don't even care.

I'm so nervous for tomorrow I can't sleep. But simultaneously I'm so tired I feel like I could die.

I don't want a repeat of last night, not sleeping then feeling awful all day. I turned out the light and lay there in the darkness.

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Suddenly, it was morning. I fell asleep before the film ended last night apparently. Ryan was up and dressed and I had just brushed my teeth. My uniform felt damp still but I don't have any spare. I'm also having a really bad day but who cares.

Mike gave us all a lift today. I feel so fragile. Like anything could make me snap or shatter into a thousand pieces.

I could see Ryan staring at me when we were all on the minibus. He wasn't even trying to be subtle. It took a lot to not stare back. I don't know where we stand as a couple. We haven't been talking much and everybody blames him for me being so sad. But it wasn't his fault, not entirely. I overreacted. He shouldn't have done what he did but I'm not sure he deserves what he is getting.

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Instead of form, I was told to go and get ready to play. I got the music sheets and out it in the right place and set up the slideshow of photos, then took my seat on the end of the row next to some stranger and the assembly began.

"...so please don't use hockey sticks as swords. Now we have a performance from Marie Riley. She was new this week so please make her feel welcome!" Shouted Miss Barmes.