The Diary of Mr. Peewee

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I woke up to the obnoxious sound of cars honking right outside my window.  Annoyed, I threw my T.V. out the window and heard it crash through a windshield. Then, there was a loud chorus of singing. The very loud chorus of singing was coming from next door. "Aaah, the neighbors are having sex!" I quickly got up to make some coffee and sat down to poop when the wall between my bathroom and the neighbors bedroom collapsed. What I saw has been burned into my memory. A giant teddy bear was being molested right before my eyes! Oh the agony! Realizing someone was watching them, they yelled and then continued doing what they were doing. I rolled my eyes and pulled up my pants. I guess I should just leave them to it. I grabbed my things and left for work. However, when I realized I had forgotten my coffee, I skipped for joy and jumped around until I pooped my pants. "Not again!" I screamed at a curious passerby and asked them if they had any toilet paper. They, seeing the mess I had made, meowed, then scurried away. Realizing I couldn't go to work like this, I shrugged and went to my mom's house. "Mommy?" She wasn't home - I didn't know where the bathroom was so I snuck into my mom's bedroom and used her bedsheets instead. Once I cleaned up, I walked to work.

"Where have you been?" My boss asked. I ignored him and continued kissing his toes until he forgave me. "Alright! Back to work!" he said. So I went to my desk and picked up the oranges I had been working on. My job was to suck the juices and sell them as dried fruit. Suddenly, my mother ran into me and I laughed.

"How are you mommy?" She cocked her head to the side and began clucking. "Okay mom, you're weirding me out." I said. Then she suddenly started flailing her arms and jumped up up and away into the sky. Unfortunately, she had me in her talons so I grew some wings and flew away to get my long lost coffee. However, when I landed, I realized I had flown to a desert in Afghanistan. In front of me were the leaders of the Taliban. I decided to kiss their toes to prove I was not the enemy. One of them approached and gave me a hug. Offended, I slapped him and screamed at him in French. "Fuck-eh toi! Fuck-eh toi!" Then I realized he was my neighbor. "Oh, hello there neighbor." What was I thinking? The neighbor then pulled something out of his bag. "Aww, it's my teddy bear. Thank you for returning it to me." I said. I reached for it, but my neighbor instead started to scottish dance. The other leaders pulled out bagpipes and it turned into a dance party! We all ripped off our shirts and lit them on fire. Then we proceeded to sacrifice a nearby goat that had happened to pass by.

All of a sudden, an American cowboy approached on a pony. "Howdy! I've come ter save ya!" he yelled to me.

"Yaay!" I leaped onto the pony and we rode off into the sunset.

Until next time, diary.