Letters From Afghanistan

Letters From Afghanistan - Chapter 4

I quickly flicked through the mail that had just been delivered and I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. It’s been over two months since I’d sent my letter to Chase and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I often lay awake at night worrying if what I’d said had offended him, or if he’d laughed at my words and thought I was weak for feeling so guilty over Chris’s death.

 Snippets of what I’d written kept flashing through my mind and with each sentence, I kept thinking of several others which I should have said instead. A lot of what I had put in that letter I hadn’t said to anyone before, not even my therapist, or myself.

I had admitted all my thoughts, my feelings and my worries on those pieces of paper, and now they were half way across the world in the hands of a man that I had never met before.  Never in my life had I felt this vulnerable, and I wished that he’d reply soon so I’d know what he thought of it all, so he could either tell me he was there for me when I needed him, or for me to leave him alone.

When Chris was alive I used tell him everything, and he’d always listen to me patiently and give advice that was always right. But now he was gone, and I had to rely on some stranger to deal with my problems. I also felt incredibly guilty for piling all my problems onto Chase. He had tried so hard to save my brother’s life and he’d held him while he passed away, so he’s obviously dealing with much worse problems of his own right now. And on top of all that, he’s fighting in a cruel war, and now being dumped with my troubles and problems that are minor in comparison to his.

What little ounce of happiness I had achieved from spilling out my inner worries had fled not even three days after posting the letter. Thankfully I have Jasper now for company, and he has settled in really well considering his past. He was a little nervous around me at first, but now he’s grown to trust me enough to know I won’t cause him any harm or cruelty.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t flinch or cower away from me if I make any sudden movements, and last week some pots and pans had fallen out of the cupboard and clashed together loudly, making him jump and run behind the sofa. It broke my heart to see it, but I feel better knowing he’s safe now and I only hope I can give him the life he deserves. I try not to dwell on his previous owners and his conditions before he came to me, every time I think about it, I can’t help but break a little inside.

That’s another reason I can’t wait for Chase to reply to my letter. I can’t really understand the urge I have to tell him about Jasper, but since he’s the only one who I’ve told about Chris’s list and how I want to finish it, I know that must have something to do with the strange feelings. I’ve never felt the need to share anything with anyone before, at least not since my parents passed away, and then later Chris. But now I couldn’t help but feel like a little girl again who was so excited to tell her parents what she’d done at school that day.

I also couldn’t help but wonder if Chase liked dogs, but as soon as the thought popped into my head I brushed it aside. It reminded me again how I know next to nothing about the man who was so close to my brother. I felt curious as to who he really was and what he is like. Chris doesn’t trust people easily, so I knew that for him to remain friends with him after all this time, it had to mean something. There had to be something about Chase that made Chris trust and befriend him.

Those thoughts helped my previous worries to dampen down a little. If Chris trusted him, then he must be a good man – he did send me that letter after all. But deep down the same worries remained. I knew that until his letter was posted through my letterbox, they would never go away.

Another week passed, and there’s still no sign of the letter, I was just about to give up what little hope I had left, when a battered envelope with his masculine handwriting scrawled on the front landed on my doormat. I couldn’t help but snatch it off the ground and dash to the living room to sit down and read it.