Our Secret (Austin Mahone Fanfiction)

Part 21

- Austin's point of view -

Anger.

That was the absolute only thing I was feeling or to say the least, it was covering up all the other emotions. I just couldn't stop being angry.

I was angry at myself because I had done the exact opposite of what I didn't want to do.

The other day when I last saw her, I knew exactly what she did. If I could say that it hurt me I would but I can't; I can't because that would be an understatement. I did absolutely nothing wrong and she pushed me away. And if I'm not mistaken, she's the one who started making out with that guy at the party but I forgave her.

At first, I was so furious that I just wanted to beat the crap out of him but I managed to calm myself down by leaving the room and taking some fresh air.

He has his hands on my girl.

That's all that kept going through my mind until at one point, I realized what I was saying: on my girl. There is no girl because she's not mine. I always imagine or act like she's mine while in reality she's far from it. In fact, if she wants, she can go screw other people because we have no attachments what-so-ever. The same goes for me I guess.

But that, that was exactly my problem. I don't think I can handle a relationship like this. I'm the dumbass who proposed it and now look where it's brought me. I actually thought that I could pull it off but there was just something about her that made me fall and oh, did I ever fall hard. She obviously doesn't feel the same because if she did, she wouldn't have let me go and that is what was killing me. Between the both of us, she had managed to keep her head in the game while I didn't even come close to following the rules as they said: no feelings just pleasure.

She was thinking straight unlike me who was lost in confusion. I actually couldn't think properly anymore because every time I would, my head would get bombarded with unwanted thoughts. I wanted to get my anger out but I had no idea how. I was so used to using her for frustration but now it's been a week and I have no idea how to cope with it. Everything building up inside of me but nothing to let it out.

I was caught.

It felt like a breakup all over again and a bad one for that matter. I couldn't tell if it was as bad as with Taylor because as I already said, those were two different relationships.I already wasn't over the other one and now I had to deal with both? I was a mess.

Everything I told her was the absolute truth but she didn't listen. I tried and tried and tried but still, she ignored me. I made her feel everything but she didn't seem to care. I was hurt.

I wish I could've known where it all went wrong. I wish she would've explained to me why she did it. I wish I could go back to that day and never tell her to leave because that was the biggest mistake I had ever made.

The reason as to why I told her to leave was because anger took over. I was so lost I mean, we had just done it and she acted as if it was nothing and casually told me that we still couldn't be together? It doesn't work that way but that sure didn't stop her from doing so. I didn't want her pity and I didn't want her nonsense excuses.

I remember lying on my bed, my chest hurting more than it had ever before. Although it was mentally, I swore I could feel it physically. There was absolutely nothing that could compare to her, nothing that could replace her. Sure, I could move on and find myself another girl but that was exactly it; I didn't want to. I wanted her hot love and emotion because it felt so right. She was nothing less than perfect. Whether it was on the inside or the outside, there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't perfection to me. At first, I only liked her for her body but now, I think it's safe to say that it's more than physical attraction. I fell for that amazing personality and those sparkling eyes that kept me captivated all along. I truly held onto her and she let me go. Just like that.

The thing that probably bothered me the most in all of this was the fact that she wouldn't tell me what was going on. She used to tell me every single thing and now there she was crying about God knows what while trying to get me out of her life. It got to me that she kept on crying and crying and crying because once again, I had no idea why. I was trying to comfort her but she didn't even want me to.

And while all of this was going on, she had no idea what it was doing to me.

It was now a week later and had anything gone better? No. I felt trapped on the inside and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get me out of the whole I had managed to burry myself in. She was the only one that could help me but she was gone.

Numerous times I thought of calling her, texting her, going over to her house, anything really, just to talk to her but sill I didn't. I honestly didn't know what to do with myself and I didn't feel like being rejected as if I was some kind of piece of shit because that was sure the last thing I needed to be adding upon my shoulders. I didn't have a clue on what her reaction would be and in all honesty, I was scared. Scared to be hurt even more so.

All I wanted to do was hold her tight in my arms, I wanted to keep her safe at night and never let go of that small body I had grown custom to every single day, I wanted to kiss her and I wanted far most to feel her.

I felt so alone so-helpless. Now I know that it sounds weird put that way but it just feels as if a part of me left and I couldn't help but want it back so badly. I needed her.

It wasn't just the sex but it was everything else. Sometimes, we used to talk for hours on end never running out on the conversation that was held for so long, the conversation that consisted of everything and anything. I could listen to her for hours and never get tired of that voice.

One of the things I liked the most though was how our hands intertwined perfectly together. The soft skin that consisted of it always made me feel uneasy at the bottom of my stomach, something no one else ever did before. She made me feel uneasy in general but you know what? I love it.

Reminiscing over all of this was what was killing me, I needed to stop. It could ruined me in a matter of minutes and right now, I needed to keep my right mind together because these past few days, that's the exact opposite of what has been going on.

I just wanted her back.

If I was this determined to get her back into my life then why not do it? The fear of being hurt was taking over but I had to push it aside, it was primordial for my own being. I needed to at least try.

As my head sunk deeper and deeper into the pillow, I sighed in discontentment at the situation that I had just unfolded before my eyes. I had layered everything out and that's how it turned out to be. Great.

I brought my hands up to my face rubbing it up and down trying to decide on what to do next. I had basically been spending the days in my bed trying to sleep because at night, it was useless. Everything I did or tried wouldn't help me sleep because even though my body was more than exhausted, my brain was far from it. Things kept running through it nonstop, a constant pattern ready to make me lose it any minute.

It was the thought of someone else touching her that got me infuriated. I didn't want no other guy's filthy hands touching the body that only I was allowed to touch and even though it wasn't mine anymore, it got my blood boiling that's for sure. The thought of her making love to another person got me feeling sick every single time because I didn't want her to, I was the one that wanted to be with her and do those things to her... not anybody else. I simply couldn't get myself to let go and I kept imagining all these different scenarios in my head making me want to punch something so bad.

I was losing it.

The anger kept rising and rising until finally, everything stopped and it suddenly became silent. The only thing I could hear was absolutely nothing. It was like something clicked and the next thing I know, tears are sprinkling down my face as I turn around and hide in the pillow.

I've reached that point; the point of no return. Anger, frustration and confusion, they all got the best of me. I can't even remember the last time I cried but this was hitting me pretty hard, I just couldn't do it anymore. I cared too much about her and I didn't want to let go even if my life depended on it.

I needed her. I needed her. I needed her.

It hit me like a wrecking ball, I never hit so hard in my life and God forbid explain to me why.

The salty substance fell out of my eyes as I felt all hopes vanish, it was useless. Getting up and off my bed, I growled slamming the door on my way out all the way downstairs to the main area. I couldn't stay in that room anymore, I was losing it. The walls had been slowly closing in on me all week and it was just a matter of time before they actually did just leaving me to suffocate in nothing less than hurt.

It broke me in every way.

I was crying over this girl that I was using for sex but it ended up being something more than that, something I ended up loving like I've never loved before. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I had let myself fall into the so called trap that I thought would make my life easier. I guess you can't always get what you wish for.

There wasn't an ounce of my body that didn't love her. I knew that feeling and it was happening all over again except that this time, it was more powerful than it had ever been before. I would do absolutely anything for that girl even if I had to go out of my way to do it.

Yes, we had our moments but that's what made us perfect. We barely argued and all that we actually liked to do was spend time with one another, building memories that one day we could look back on and smile at how happy we were. But the thing that kept bringing me back to reality was the fact that she didn't feel the same way because as I already said, she had followed the rules.

At least if I could still be with her without actually having to tell her, that I could manage I mean, I've been doing it for God knows how long now so.

Bringing my right arm up, I wiped away with the sleeve of my shirt the remaining tears that somehow kept escaping from my eye shafts. Everything had fallen apart in the time laps of about a week, no correct that, it had been exactly a week.

I needed some fresh air, I thought.

Doing just that, I made my way over to the door and turned it open before plopping down on those gray, cold cement steps. It was very dark outside letting me to assume that I had been in my room way longer than I had previously thought. That was another thing: I wasn't seeing the time pass. I could be in my room for ten minutes but in reality, it was actually two hours.

Looking up at the sky, I saw the shining stars making a slight smile creep upon my face remembering what I had told her once.

"You see that star over there?" I asked pointing up to the sky.

"Yeah?"

"That's you."

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion "What are you talking about?" She whispered her breath hitched in her throat to my sudden statement.

"When everything was dark, you lit up my world and you keep on doing so every day, just like the stars in the night sky." She turned her head as to now she was facing me. Her lips barely parted expecting her to say something but soon enough, they had closed back almost immediately into the perfect pout they always formed. I wondered what she was going to say but just brushed it off not thinking anything more of it.

Then, her lips unexpectedly brushed over mine before she pressed herself onto my plump ones making it turn into this sweet kiss that was so soft and gentle. I swore my heart had beat out of my chest at how she did it. Everything about her made me do stuff I would never do but the thing that stood out the most; I cared tremendously about her.

It was her face when I told her; it read happiness and joy and quite frankly, only that could make me the happiest man on earth because there's nothing better than to see the girl you love so happy. I could look at that smile forever but again, it was those eyes that got me going. They spoke more than words could describe and every time I found myself with her, I would get lost in those pools of gray. Occasionally, they would change colour to that blue-ish gray and it's then when I knew that she had hit her ultimate level of happiness. I had studied her long enough to know pretty much every emotion that passed her small frame. I knew the looks, the words, the vibes, I knew this girl like the back of my hand.

Shaking away the thought, I got up and decided I needed to take a walk to clear my mind but it's when I did that that the world came to a brutal stop.