Broken Bonds

Chapter 7: Not Alone

My heat was supposed to start today, but it hasn't.

I try not to think about what this means. I try not to connect this with my bouts of sickness and weight loss.

I try to ignore the small pooch of my stomach that has been bloated for days now. I try, but I can't.

Teagan is here, visiting me, bringing me lunch. She notices how I start to turn green when I look at the chicken salad she brought me. She looks worried.

"Are you okay?" She wants to help me. I don't have the strength to keep resisting her. I feel bad for pushing her away.

"No."

"Is it because of Huxley?"

"No." My voice wavers. I'm only half lying.

She grabs my hand. Her hair is messy around her face. Her eyes are like Steele trying to pull every bit of truth out of me that they can.

"My heat..." I'm not sure how to say this. I haven't really accepted it myself.

She stiffens beside me. I'm giving her even more to worry about without saying a word more.

"It's supposed to start today right? We should get you somewhere safe since you don't-"

I cut her off. "I don't think it's going to come." My eyes don't tear up like I want them to, but hers do. She feels guilty for my predicament.

"Are you sure?"

I only nod. My heat comes like clockwork. The same time, every time.

Her hand falls away from mine and she runs her hands through her messy hair. "It's my fault." She whispers.

"It's-"

"What's your fault Teag?" Huxley. His voice is gruff and his scent wraps around me, polluted by that woman, as he closes in on us.

Teagan: strong, independent Teagan starts bawling her eyes out. She doesn't speak.

"What did you do Teagan!?" He's in her face now. His eyes look beady, crazed even.

Why does he care? Why is he getting so worked up over me? Or am I just being conceited?

"Answer me Teagan!" Screaming now, because he isn't getting anything out of her. Tears stream down her face and I find myself taking her into my arms in a rare moment of affection.

"She didn't do anything. Leave her be." I'm standing up for her. "Actually, just leave all together. I told you I don't want you around me." I'm having a rare moment of confidence. A rare moment of strength. He's been doing that to me, making me feel like my old self, someone who never took anyone's shit, someone who stood up for people.

This seems to make him even crazier. "Leave? That's what you've been saying to me since I returned. I find it funny that you don't want me around you. You're the one with the wrong doings. I should be telling you to leave!" This cuts me deep, deeper than I want to admit.

I ignore him. I don't need this right now. I have to much to process today and I'm still sick. I let go of Teagan for a moment to reach for my cigs. His eyes track my movements.

I'm about to light one when I realize that I can't do this anymore. I can't even smoke away my sickness. The only thing that has helped me and now I can't have it anymore.

I'm pitching them into the trash can and he's still staring, calculating my every move.

"Can you just leave please?" Teagan finally speaks up. She's rubbing her eyes and she looks a lot younger than her 20 years in this moment.

He's finally gone now. I cancel the rest of my appointments for the day. Teagan stays with me for the rest of the evening. We watch old reruns on the stone age television in my room and she rubs my back as I let the little I had actually eaten throughout the day back out into the toilet.

I don't like this. I don't like being cared for, but I don't want to push her away. I don't want to be alone to wallow away like I have been the past years.

She leaves later and I go straight to bed.

---

Wrenley is huge now and glowing. She looks just as beautiful as ever. Her baby's are due in a little under two months and today I tell her that she's having a boy and a girl.

As usual I rush to finish the appointment. I really want some coffee, but the smell now sickens me. I'm munching on some crackers, sitting at my desk and Hux is back again.

I don't smell that female on him as strongly. He hasn't seen her today I assume. I ignore him as I continue my work, trying and failing to eat the crackers.

He's sitting in the chair across from me now. I swallow my last cracker, but it doesn't agree with me and I'm up and rushing to the sink at the opposite side of the room.

Heaving and puking the crackers up. Acid is all that's left and I'm miserable. I feel awful and I don't know what to do anymore.

Strong hands.

They are wrapping themselves in my hair, around my waist. I flinch, afraid he will feel the way my stomach now bloats, but I continue to heave every last bit of acid.

I turn on the faucet after and drink my fill straight from the spigot. I close my eyes. He's staring at the back of my head, I can feel the worry radiating off of him and into me, adding to my troubled emotions.

It seems like he can't help himself as he runs his hand through my sweaty curls just like he used to.

"What's going on with you, Beatrix? You've been sick like this for weeks. What's happening to you?"

I'm crying so freely and I don't want him here anymore. I don't want him to care how I'm doing.

I feel more alone now, with him beside me then I have in the past years and my tears continue to fall hopelessly.

But then I realize something. I have a life inside me. I small, teeny, tiny life and suddenly, I'm not so alone anymore.