Broken Bonds

Chapter 8: Secrets

He leaves me not long after my episode. I'm alone with my little life now. My life that was created in rage and anger and hurt, but it won't be born that way. I won't let it know. It will be a secret.

I'm in my room. I don't have any patients to see until tomorrow. I decide to go out. Should I wear my new dress? I'm pulling it on. Looking in the mirror. It's a size too big. My weight loss is continuous. I need to make myself eat. I need to keep my food down.

It's hard because I don't have a mate. I'm scared that I will never be able to stop my sickness. I'm scared to loose this baby. Why do I want it so badly? It was created against my will. I don't understand my need to continue to let this life inside me grow.

Maybe I just want someone to care for me. Maybe I just want a family. Maybe...

I take off the dress, pull on a large sweater and some leggings. It dwarfs me, but that's okay. I don't want anyone to see my bulge, even if it's not very noticeable yet. I want this to be a secret for a while longer.

I'm in the cafe. My Camry is parked out back so no one will know I'm here. I'm eating my burger with gusto. I almost eat the whole thing, but I know it won't stay down for long. I'm eating my fries, dipping them in mustard. I've been having a weird craving for mustard.

The door opens. I hear the bells ring as a couple of patrons walk in. I don't look up until I smell him. The waitress is looking at me in sympathy. She's standing beside me with the cherry pie all boxed up. I don't say anything as he sits with that women at the other end of the diner.

The waitress is about to take the pie back, but I stop her. His eyes are on me. It's become a habit, so I take the pie. I don't want her to think I was taking it home to him.

I finish my fries off, but I don't make it to the pie crust before I'm rushing to the bathroom.

I can only hope that I retained some of what I've eaten as I puke it back out into the toilet. I gargle with water and look at myself in the mirror.

My hair is growing out some. You can see my honey brown roots. I need to dye it again, but I can't now. It wouldn't be good for the tiny life inside me. There are bags under my eyes. I look tired, sick.

I'm walking back to my booth now. I hear that women laughing at him. I see the way he's watching me as I grab my purse and leave with the pie in my hand.

"Come back to see us soon honey." The waitress calls after me and I wave as I walk out.

---

"You're still not well?" Teagan is with me again.

I shake my head, my doctors mind giving me an answer to my problem that I don't want to use.

"There's nothing you could do? What about those teas you were giving Wrenley?"

"She has a mate. They wouldn't be much help to me and I don't really like tea."

"But you could try. It might help a little."

I'm annoyed. I know it won't help. "The only thing that would help me now is to have a male wolf around me 24/7. He would have to touch me constantly and even then it would only help so much."

She looks puzzled. "What about if you were marked?" She's figured it out. I'm not surprised. She's a smart wolf.

I don't say anything and she doesn't bring it up again. Later, I eat the pie crust in bed and try not to think about him as I throw the rest in the trash.

---

A few weeks go by. My secret is still a secret. Teagan still comes by. She's worried about me. She says I look like death is knocking on my door. I know she's right. I'm skin and bones, the only weight I have is located in my stomach. I can feel the life fluttering around like a little butterfly. That's what I've been calling it. My little butterfly.

Teagan wants to be with me to hear the heartbeat. I'm setting up the machine and I place it on my bump. The clinic doors are locked, no one can interrupt this moment.

"I don't hear anything." She looks worried and I'm starting to worry too. I turn on the screen monitor to check. There's definitely a baby there.

I start to panic and panic. My breathing is accelerating. Why can't I hear it? Is my butterfly dead?

"Is that the volume?" Teagan reaches over, turns the knob. I feel a wave of relaxation and stupidity wash over me. I can hear it now. It's a little fast, but it's there. I feel my eyes tear up.

Teagan is looking on in awe. "Can you tell if it's a boy or a girl yet?"

I shake my head. "Not yet. My butterfly is too small to tell right now."

Suddenly the door starts rattling. I hear yelling. Teagan rushes to it as I cut the machine off and try to cover myself in my large sweater. I don't get it on fast enough though and Hux is in the room.

He's staring at my bare stomach, my bare thighs, as I struggle to pull my sweater down. His silver eyes are wide. He's looking at me. He's most likely thinking of my sickness and I'm glaring as I get my sweater on fully.

"What are you doing here?" Maybe he didn't see the protrusion of my stomach. Maybe he doesn't know my secret.

"You- you're pregnant?" He doesn't look like he believes it. He's closing in on me. I don't smell that woman on him. I haven't scented her around in a while now. I'm glad. She still makes me feel sick.

I close my eyes and sigh. His hands are on me now. He's feeling my bump through my sweater.

I guess my secret's not a secret anymore.