One Chance, One Choice [On Hold]

Chapter 4

  Rather a short chapter I'm afraid, but I may add more to it later, let me know if I've broken your heart yet! 

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I surfaced slowly from the fog of sleep; the threads of my dream fading from my grasp, Tara smiling at me was the last image to disappear and I reluctantly let it go. Emily had insisted the sofa was not a suitable long-term bed and I had forced myself to climb under the duvet in the suddenly massive bed we had bought together; after an hour of laying in the dark, I had created a mantra for myself, it had helped then and I repeated it again now.

"It's no the first time ye've slept alone, she worked away from home more than once, she's just on location." It had the same effect as it had previously and I rose from the bed in a better frame of mind.

~~~

"What about this one?" I turned to see Tara perched on the edge of a ridiculously large bed with an intricately carved wooden headboard and footboard. "We could get a proper old style feather mattress for it..."

"I wouldna be able tae find ye in that great thing!"

"But it needs to be big for you."

"Aye lass, but no so big an entire village could fit in it, I doubt we could find a bedroom big enough for this one, I like the style though so we've figured the first part." She grinned as she hopped off the monstrosity and headed further into the store; I grinned too as I followed her, passing the massive wooden bed I ran my fingers over the carvings on the footboard and made a mental note to buy it and a house to fit it in, my grin widened at the absurdity of the thought but I swore to myself that I would do it.

~~~

I poured a mug of coffee and sat at the table, it was still early; Em and Bob hadn't come down yet and I found I was enjoying the brief solitude. Flicking the stereo on, I closed my eyes and let the music wash over me, the melodies floating through my mind, picking up the scattered thoughts and filing them neatly away. The coffee was hot and strong coursing down through my body, melting some of the ice that had formed there. My face warmed by the sun just reaching out from behind the dull grey clouds,

"It's going to be a lovely day Hamish." The temptation to open my eyes and look at her was strong, but the rational part of my brain kept them shut, bringing me a mental image of her on a similar morning instead.

The thump of a cupboard door closing brought me back to myself with a snap and I opened my eyes to find Em smiling apologetically at me.

"Sorry, didn't mean to disturb you,"

"Auch, it's fine Em, coffee calls to us all."

"You looked happy, there was a sort of half-smile on your face, I didn't know why but I know it's a good thing."

"Aye, I have a lot of memories and I can pull them forward when I need them, plus I can hear her, just normal stuff, like she would say on any morning, I've still got her in a way."

"Well, are you ready for her 'mini-me'? Danni's due to arrive back today." The thought of Tara's daughter being in the house jolted me, she was the image of her mother but she and I had never really bonded, I loved her as my own and she respected me but despite my efforts, she had always kept me at arm's length. Tara had explained why; Danni didn't trust men in general thanks to her father abandoning them, so I let her keep her distance but tried to make it clear that she could see me as a father figure. It was the only chance I was ever going to get.

~~~

"Hamish, before I answer that question, I need to tell you something." Those were not the words I had been hoping for, I looked up into Tara's face, my confusion clear on mine.

"Would ye mind verra much if I got up from here then lass? Only ma knees are hurting a fair bit." I stood as I spoke and took the space next to her on the sofa. She looked pale, paler than usual, this was going to be a big deal, I could feel it likes waves of energy pulsing around us. She took a deep breath and spoke quickly,

"I can't give you children, not anymore. I suffered the dreadful fate of a ridiculously early menopause, I already have an old lady's body. It was selfish of me to not tell you long ago but it's not something you can easily slip into conversation; you know? 'Hi dear, how was your day? Fancy pizza tonight? Oh and by the way if you stay with me you will never be a dad in your own right.' Doesn't work really does it..." Her voice trailed off, she was only small but at that moment she seemed even smaller. I realised I had been holding my breath and I released it in a rush,

"Lass, that body is no an old lady's body! I'll ask ye again after I tell ye something myself, I canna be a father. I got mumps right at puberty and it left me sterile, I've been worrying about telling ye and now I find it doesna matter, so will you marry me?"

~~~

The buzz of my phone pulled me once more into the present, the screen showing me it was Tara's doctor, a quick nod to Em and I answered the call, within a few short minutes I discovered just how good an actress my wife had been, I automatically thanked the doctor and hung up in total silence. Emily looked at me, concern written across her face,

"What did he say Hamish? Did they find out what it was? Hamish? Are you alright?"

"She knew Em, she bloody knew she was dying an' she didna tell me!" The world blurred as my tears once again sprang forth.