Sold, without regret

Chapter 9

It has been a total of three hours since I ran into Jed. Alex said we could have the night off to celebrate, because Jed was back. I was now sitting on the river bank with my feet in the river. I honestly miss home. I didn't think about how much I would miss it. I didn't think I would ever want to be comforted by my mum again, but I longed for her to hold me as I wept. I looked up to the sky and sucked a deep breath in.

"Mum, I miss you. Life became so hard after you died. Not only did you scar my heart, but you scared my soul. The want to do good is not a natural feeling. Part of me wants to make everyone else feel the pain that gnaws at my insides. The other part of me wants to hold and care for everyone. I'm scared Mum. I am scared that I will begin to really care for these people. I am scared that they will leave me just like you did once I allow them to get close. When Alex and Jed saw my scars they stopped. They didn't know what to do. I didn't either. My scars show the battle I went through to be freed after father sold me. They show that I am a fighter, but I don't want them to be showed. Every time that whip landed on my back or every cut the knife made I was weakened by pain. I can handle that, but I don't think I could handle another loss. It was painful when I lost you. I just don't think I have enough heart left to risk." I felt the tear stain my cheek.

"You will always have enough heart to risk, no matter the consequence." I jumped and turned around to see Jed leaning on a tree.

"What do you want?" I spit out at him.

"I was just letting you know dinner has been made. Then I heard you, and figured you could use some advice.

"I don't need nor want your advise. Jed, why don't you just go back to camp and leave me alone?" He looked down at the ground, and then looked back at me.

"You and I both know that's not what you want." I stared at him in shock. 

"You don't know anything about me and you certainly don't know what I want." I stated with no emotion. 

"Okay, maybe I don't. But in all honesty do you even know what you want?" I rolled my eyes.

"I never said I did." I chuckled. "I used to think I had everything figured out, but now I'm not so sure." He just stared at me, looking me in my eyes with unreadable emotion in his eyes.

"Idela! Jed! What's taking you so long?" I looked up to see Alex walking towards us.

"Sorry it was my fault. I didn't want to leave the river bank." Alex just looked at me then looked at Jed.

"Hurry up or there's not gonna be anything left." I snorted and stood up. I grabbed my shoes and walked back to camp bare foot.

No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get what Jed told me out of my head.

You will always have enough heart to risk, no matter the consequence.

I don't know why, but I feel like he speaks from experience and pain.  

You will always have enough heart to risk, no matter the consequence.

I wonder why he even shared that with me. I mean I haven't been the nicest person towards him. I mean I put a knife up to his throat not even twenty four hours ago. I was a huge witch to him.

You will always have enough heart to risk, no matter the consequence.

Maybe, he's right. I can never truly close myself off enough to be emotionless. 

No, I can't think like that. Everyone I end up caring about gets taken away from me. I refuse to deal with that again. This is a job and a job alone.

But....

Maybe....

No! 

A job and a job no more.

With that thought I closed my eyes and fell into darkness.

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~Em~