Dear Em

two

Dear Em,
I haven't decided if I'm sending you these letters. This is my second one to you since our breakup two weeks ago. Shouldn't I know if they're for sharing or simply for my own therapeutic needs? I should, I've decided, but I don't. Don't know what I'm doing with them, I mean. Do I let you know about all the pain you've caused me? Do I let you see how much I love--loved you? Did you reciprocate? Do you reciprocate? Of course not, Em. You never did, never will. The thing is, Ember, I remember when you did. It was the day we met.

I remember seeing you that day, what seems to be forever ago now. You were working. It was that cafe I used to go to, Serenity. You were my barista that day, and I remember the way my heart jumped at the sight of you. You know, cafe baristas are stereotyped for being sexy, and boy did you live up to it. Your dark hair, falling softly across your forehead. Your gray eyes that sometimes looked blue under the sunlight. And your smile, Em. You must know how enticing that smile of yours is. You used it on me all the time. When I was angry with you, a smile. Happy, a smile. When my day was the worst it could've ever been, a smile. I love your smile. I love you. Ember. I love you. I love you and you were my barista the day I knew it. I had walked up to the counter, a frown bending my lips. It had been a bad day. When I got to the front, there you were, smiling. Always smiling, Em. You were always smiling, and never smiling. Never smiling, because you never meant it. It took me too long to realize that. So you were smiling as I placed my order. I had to swallow to keep myself from reflecting such a beautiful thing. The ocean can't not reflect the sun, right? You had no idea how hard it was not to smile back at you.

You also didn't know, Ember, that while you placed my order, I studied you. I studied the slight crease between your eyebrows as you focused on the register. I studied how your hands wrapped around a pen, marking where I would need to sign the receipt, and I imagined those same hands wrapped around my body. I was jealous of that pen, of everything you touched. You also didn't know that I smiled. You weren't looking at me, so it was okay to let go. And when you looked back up at me, that vibrant smile still plastered on those soft, plump lips of yours, my smile dropped. "One caramel latte coming right up," you said. I nodded once and moved to the other line to pick up my drink. And when I did, a little note was written on the cup, right under my name. "You have a great smile, use it :)" And I smiled. I smiled despite my disbelief that you had seen me smile, and when I looked up, I was surprised that I wasn't surprised to see you staring right back at me. You were leaning against the counter, eyes burning through my my skin, a smile as vibrant as our love.

Our lost love.

I hate that I love you,
Nyssa