Random sentences.

These toxic memories

I know I shouldn't be reminiscing about these days; I can't help it. The thoughts going on in my head are terrible. Starting years ago with selfharm; that first cut got me hooked. The day I did it in class was fucked up, to say the least. That boy I swear I'm addicted to. He's no good for me, and I'm no good for him; we could cause some hell even if we didn't try. I keep thinking about him, what we did, what we would do. He's taking up my innocent mind. I need to stop thinking about him. Now this other boy. I've known him since childhood. He started talking to me again, I miss him. I care for him. He hurt me. Its alright though, we're kinda like strangers with memories. He's a good kid honestly, but he's changing in almost every way. Imma sound like a hoe, but this other guy! I still love his dumb ass. Five months without him, and I still want him. He fucked me up bad. I love him with my everything and he threw me away like trash then got with my younger friend. Now she claims he's off with some sluts. He's a man whore but I fucking love him. I miss him so much, I need him, I want him, I can't believe I dont have him anymore. He lost an amazing girl. I would've been great for him if my anxiety wasn't so bad. The thing is, I was going through a very hard time when we were dating. I was corrupted, messed up, not in a good frame of mind. That ruined us, I believe. I'm also thinking about drugs. I miss weed. I miss the feeling it gave me when I wasn't trippin out. I miss the worry free environment I felt when I smoked. I miss the deep conversations with a person who hated me, but when we were high it was all good. I want that connection back and I know I won't get it back for a long while. I miss my friends. Im terrible at keeping contact with peopl, for that I am alone. I have one person I actually talk to and I'm still anxious around them too. I'm going to be so alone in highschool. Nobody will talk to me because I didnt try to talk to them. I'm going to have panic attacks daily because I'll be afraid. I'm going to get lost and feel in danger. I'm going to make a fool out of myself. I'm afraid of intimacy and what it holds. I want to connect with someone but I'm scared of what it brings. I want to be myself without being judged, threatened, or perceived wrongly. I want to feel like myself. I want to be who I am and be with who I love without restrictions. I want the community to be less harmful and more joyful. Being violent towards others because they're different needs to come to an end. Love needs to be shared.