Self Righteous

8: Big girls sometimes Cry

"Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he's created?"

8.

February 6th, 2015

            CRYING was an act I knew too well. I was a cry baby when I was young, anything was a trigger to tears. The littlest things I would shed a tear at, even if I was livid on the verge of punching someone, tears would be cascading down my face.  My family wouldn't let a opportunity past without teasing me about it, especially my brother. He would say even in the arms of our mother I would cry, but his, never.

            When I saw my brother in a casket looking as beautiful as I remember, no tears were found. I thought that I was broken, like a faucet, but faucets had drops sometimes, not me. Everyone was the complete opposite, seeing my family weep would usually make me shed a tear but for some reason I couldn't.

            I remember seeing Jason and Ryan suited to perfection, I would always see them with my brother, I mean who didn't? We've never talked unless they came over but I would be way too shy to even peep a word but Ryan would always go out of his way to say hey to me. Jason and I never got along, he was rude and arrogant not like Ryan. Ryan was different, he was playful and always would try to make me smile, he was the guy that nobody knew how, but was loved by everyone. Those two were polar opposites but Duke brought them together and I can imagine how thankful they were.

            I saw it. I saw that carefree, never without a smile Ryan, break down. I couldn't stare ahead anymore so I looked over to him. I observed him, he was like me, didn't cry once, I could tell he wanted to be strong for Jason but as we made eye contact his entire body deflated and he sobbed onto Jason's shoulder. His body shook and I could hear his cries from where I was. Jason tried to hold it in, he really did but couldn't. I tore my eyes from the scene. Don't I told myself, don't do it.

            I knawed on my lip, I looked up to the ceiling, all the things I taught myself to do to keep from crying. I pinched my skin to distract me from the upcoming breakdown that I didn't want to occur.

            "I have to go to the bathroom," I told my mother and quickly left the church where my brothers body was held. I reached the outside and let out a deep breath, so deep that it seemed like the depressing air was suffacting me, choking me.

            I took both of my heels off and sat down on the church steps. I just wanted my brother back, why should God punish me? Our family? Was God even real? If he was, who was punishing him for causing so much hurt in the world?

            "I-Im so sorry Ire," Ryan's voice shook as he came to sit next to me. His eyes were puffy and his hair was wild. "I can't imagine your pain but he was like a brother to me." His lip quivered and he covered his tired face, "Oh God."

            I looked at the tears dropping onto his suit. "I think I'm broken," I whispered. He slowly gazed up to me and gripped my shoulders, he surounded me with his love, embraced me with it as he held onto me like it was his last time on Earth.

            Duke wrapped his arms around me, squeezing me. He kissed the top of my head and I looked up to him.

            "Why you acting all brother loveish?" He pulled me in again not saying a word. I couldn't shake the icky feeling, like he was saying goodbye.

            I squeezed my eyes shut as Ryan's voice took me out of the memories that I've tried so hard to block "Me too," He croaked, "I've never experienced this hurt before, it's like I'm drowning, I-I don't, I can't do this."

            "A dude is going to treat you right one day Ree," Duke chuckled as I spit out my sunflower seeds.

            The sun beat down on us as we sat on our porch having our daily catch up. He was so busy with football and girls we barely got to talk, how could we if he was barely home?

            "Nah no way," I shook my head. "Boys don't like girls like me."

            He eyed me, "What kind of girl are you?"

            "I don't get invited to parties, I like learning more than drama-."

            "Shut up Ree." I clamped my mouth shut, "You're beautiful, I've never told you that but you are, people look when you not lookin', don't worry about being the kind of girl my boys and I fuck with."

            I had the happiness that made you cry bubble up in me, words like that would be etched in a person forever. I look up to Duke, he's popular yes, but he has a good heart.

            I nodded into the crook of his neck, oh no, oh no. Tears started to brim my eyes blurring my vision, "R-Ryan," I swallowed, "It hurts-so bad, I can't breath." I let out a sob clutching onto his waist, "I can't breath! I can't breath! Someone is stabbing me and they won't stop! Please make it go away." In that moment, a flood washed over me, I wailed into his arms, thrashed as he held me as tightly as he could. I felt so naked as I let everything out, the indescribable pain coming up and out my mouth.

            It's what I needed.

            The funeral was over and the upbeat service that usually was at black funerals left me light. Like everything was going to be okay, not right now but it was. After everyone eat I saw Ryan walk off with his parents. I ran out to him and gripped onto his shoulder turning him around.

            His light blue eyes lit up as he saw me, I didn't even get to say a word as he hugged me. "Thank you Ryan." His big hands came beside my cheeks and he laid a kiss on my forehead. He held out his pinky.

            "Let's promise something," I hooked my pinky onto his, "We'll be strong for him." I nodded my head and we kissed the end of our hands to seal the promise.