Unspoken Words From a Bleeding Heart

Lost

As a kid our teachers asked us what do we want to be when we are older? We would normally respond with an answer like a princess a superhero an astronaut. We all know that those are unrealistic as u grow up. But when we were little they taught us to dream big and never give up on them. Also our lives then had no worrys a foggy mind then was just a scary dreams, no stress cuz u never had to worry about the future.

If I was asked the same question at this time in my life I would say I would like to be me and me who knows what they want. I would say that because I struggle to find myself and where I belong in this big world. A foggy mind is all my criticizim and insecurity and worrys about life in general and doubt of my own ability . Always judging myself then I should always feeling like I'm not worth it and not feeling wanted by the ones I need. Sometimes feel like I need someone shoulder to cry on or someone who just realizes what I feel. A clouded mind is one who gets left in the dust still stuck wondering which way to go when people are ready are gone ahead with life and find a way to breathe. Sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating in my own air. Questions that fill my mind and which will never be answered. gravity that pulls me down and will never be able to get up again. Drowning and dying over and over.

Dragging my own weight and guilt my whole life, everyone needs a little weight lifted and released into the clouds which that you can never reach. But that will never happen for me, having fog follow every move you make and continuing to get more dense as u continue.

Mouth glued shut and never have been able to speak of how u feel or state ur opinion. Writing words that never show. Suffering in silence. I can fake a smile and know one would notice. Words in my head, I crash and I break down. I am only human one could only handle so much. I feels like I'm holding the world on my head.As I would say- unspoken words from a bleeding heart.. I had enough of not being able to control my life.. But how

How do I control what I lock up inside. Piling and piling of never ending words. How do I control emotions that I can't even describe. Is there a way out of a Never ending rabbit hole. Will it ever dissipate into thin air. My life, my existence, my heart and mind has no stop sign it's just like a big ball of yarn that is impossible to solve and unwind. Will any advice cure my over thinking and sorrow.how can I live and breathe in silence without my opinion clogging my mind. Pain digging deep, will it ever be filled up again. im lost and the only way is down. Just how do u live..

There no where to hide, just admit to what you feel. That's what some people say that are trying to help but don't fully understand me.. But yet I don't understand myself. I do try admitting what I feel but the words can never come out so get I'm still stuck in the dark.Should I just stop trying...

It will heal in time.. This saying I don't understand nothing fully heals there is always something left behind, scars, memories, pain. No one sees no one knows.

Move on.. I can't move on I'm always questioning the past looking back in the dust . Wondering if I could do something different that would form a better future.

Let it happen... How can I just let things happen if I'm always over thinking things that haven't even happen. People say that it was ment to happen. How do u know if it was the right thing to happen. Two roads divide you choose to go one but there's always another way you just realize until it's gone.

Give up and start over... You can't start over until you have finished what's happening now. Starting over isn't an option because there are always bits and pieces that can never be found but you know it feels off.

Get up again. Getting up is a choice to know if you are ready for what's next. I m never prepared, I'm always needing support to even find my feet on the ground.

Look forward to the future.. There is no future if you are stuck in the past wondering if it would be different. Future is now and now is the past. So am I always going to be reliving the past. That's what it feels like. Infinite pain.

Go one step at a time. I actually understand this because you always have a choice to go forward and backwards. No matter how hard I try forward is somewhere I can't find even when I look in every direction.

Hope.. Hope is not good. It breeds eternal misery. That's true because hope is just looking at the good when you know there is always bad in the world.

Breathe. A time where where you inhale the new and discard the bad. The only thing that distance you from everything. But the air is all one so adventually the bad comes back to punch you in the face.

Walk away.. Trust me I do when I do it comes back to haunt me always on my mind. We all know it's going to end in fire. So we try to walk away again but we know that fire is the predator and preys on the week like me.

So what do I do, I'm lost and confused. Is there ever going to be an answer?