Help, I'm Terrified

two

"Jack, can you please eat something?" Daithi asked me. I gave in after he asked me 50 times in the last two days and said yes. He smiled big and asked what I want.

"Just some water and maybe a banana." I said. He nodded and came back with the food. As I peeled my banana slowly, Daithi asked me this:

"Why?" I looked in his dead serious eyes.

"Why what?" I asked with a mouth full of banana.

"Why don't you eat? Why do you cut? You have so many friends and fans." Daithi pointed out. I frowned at him.

"I can't tell you. I don't wanna get into it because it's personal." I said.

"Jack..."

"Look, I'm sorry Daithi, I just can't tell you!" I snapped. He put his hands up on defense.

"Fine. Don't tell me. You're gonna have to let it out sometime." He said. "I called Mark yesterday while you were asleep and told him what's up."

"Did you tell him about-" I tilted my head towards my wrists; Daithi nodded no.

"I didn't want to break your promise." He smiled at me. He showed me something to me off his phone.

"Wade sent me this." I looked at the picture. It was a poster that said:

PAX 2016
   May 15 - May 18

And a lot of boring information. I raised an eyebrow at Daithi.

"Pax in two months. Ok?" Daithi shared a blanked expression.

"Wade wants to know if you want to go so he can order passes for you." Daithi said. I shrugged.

"Sure, I'll go. Take my mind off things." I said.

"Are you sure? With your condition-"

"It's two months away. I think I'll be good then." I gave him a reassuring thumbs up, although on the inside, I feel terrified about it. What if I black out on stage? What if I have a panic attack? What if my scars accidentally show?

But, I'm gonna be brave about it. My friends will be happy to see that I'm going. Hopefully Mark will let me go; he doesn't want me to get hurt. I'll tell him later that I'll be fine.

"Ummmmm, ask Wade if Mark's going please?" Daithi texted Wade.

"Yeah. He's going." I nodded in return. Another text came in on Daithi's phone.

"Mark wants to know if you can Skype? I'll let you go into your room if you want."

"Yeah. Tell him to call me." I got up, slowly so I won't hurt myself again, and walked to my room. I quickly grabbed my wrist bands and cover my cuts. I sat on my chair and looked at my chest and hands.

I'm shaking, I'm pale, and you can barely see my ribs. I scooted under my desk to where you couldn't see my ribs. Nothing can help hide the pale, but Mark probably knows about everything by now...besides the scars. I waited for Mark to call me, but then I get a text.

Markimoo:
Call me. My computer just loaded up and it'll be a few more minutes till Skype loads up.

Jackaboy:
Got it.

I looked through my friends until I finally found Mark's. I clicked call and leaned back in my chair. The call finally was finally accepted; Mark's face appeared on my screen.

"Jack!" I gave him a small smile and waved at him. Finally, something to kinda smile about!

"Hey Markimoo." I said.

"Are you okay? You scared the living crap out of me when you called me!" He put his hand over his heart like he was having a heart attack.

"Yes, I'm okay now." I lied.

"No offense dude, but you're a freaking ghost." Mark said.

"I know. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself; like Daithi said, I have my friends and fans that support me. YouTube kept my mind off things. I get so many good messages. Mmmm, i didn't tell Daithi this, but I'm doing this because I've been receiving so much hate, and they've been making me feel like I'm not loved. Now, I know that you and Daithi would tell me that y'all love me, but you don't know how much it means to be one day it's perfect, and then the next, everyone's acting like I'm that bitch in high school that everyone hates! *Sigh*, I just don't know what to do Mark! I hate all these people! They make you feel like you can't do anything." I sigh. "They make you feel worthless." Mark looked at the floor, then me.

"I get what you mean. They make you feel helpless and just there for no reason." He said.

"No, Mark. You don't get what I'm receiving! All the hate, the mean comments, disrespect!"

"Jack."

"I hate it! It's getting on my last nerve! They're just all-"

"Jack!" "What!?"

"Jack, you need to stop. You're hurting yourself! You were getting paler every word you said!"

I looked at my hands; Mark's right. They where ghostly pale. I'm freezing. I'm shaking worse than before. I brushed the hair hanging in front of my face and sighed as I gripped my stomach, which is hardly there.

"I'm sorry Mark. I don't mean to do this to myself. I really don't." That's when tears flooding my out of my eyes.

"Jack?" Mark asked in a worried voice.

"I gotta-go." I was chocked up on my tears as I logged out of the Skype call.

I just wanted to log out of my life.