she doesn't love me || kjd

u

the first time it happened, we were on our way to a friend's party.

i remember walking up to the venue, flashing her a lopsided grin and telling her:

"don't flirt with any of the other guys, okay?"

"i don't flirt." she giggles then reassures me, "besides you're the only one i want, jongdae."

but it happens everyday, i want to tell her. but she's already staring at some other guy.

"i know, it's just that..."
i get so nervous.
is what i wanted to say.

"hmm?"
seyeon's attention finally returns to me.

"your shoe's untied."

i notice lots of little things about her.

"oh."

"just stay close to me, alright?"
i say, kneeling down to tie her shoe lace.

"yeah."

we continue walking and she wraps her hand around mine; lulling me into a false sense of security.

a few hours - and a few drinks - into the party and already: i see seyeon touching another guy.

i hear her giggle. and i feel sick.

i pull her into a secluded area. outside, concealed by the night and a few birch trees. i lean against one of the trees, i don't think i could stand up on my own. and i confront her.

"you must like that guy better than me, right?"

"don't joke-"

"i'm not joking."

"don't get mad."

"i'm not mad."

her eyes well up with tears.
but i know they're not real.

fake smiles... fake tears... she never really cared about me.

she'd put on a façade:

she'd tell me she loves me.
she'd tell me that she'd do anything for me.

but she doesn't love me.

i know she doesn't.

and then i get mad.

everything from that point on was a blur.
i was only snapped back into rationality
after hearing her voice.
in pain.

i couldn't comprehend what just happened.

i slapped her.
i beat her.
i kicked her.

i think she's crying but she won't look at me.

i reach my hand out to her.

she flinches.

and my heart breaks.