she doesn't love me || kjd

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when we did get home,
she admitted it.

she cheated.
again.
what's worse is
they did it in his car during their lunch break.

i feel sick.
my chest hurts.
there's no way i'd break up with her.
i love her too much.
she said she'd never do it again.
that i should give her a chance.
she grabs onto my arm as i try to leave.
and
i didn't mean to
i really really didn't mean to
but
i hit her again.

this time, i didn't even try to comfort her. without a word, i leave while she lay on the floor - weeping. i couldn't bear to see her writhing in agony again. i was a coward.
a selfish, disgusting coward.

when i came home, a few drinks down me, i catch seyeon bandaging the wounds. i grab the antiseptic and stop her to do it myself.

i laugh to myself bitterly.
as if putting a plaster over her cuts would plaster over the cracks in our trust.

"baby, i'm so sorry. i--"

i don't deserve to be alive.
i'm a monster.

an abomination. my grievous faults lay slashed across her bleeding heart.
no wonder she cheated.
i can't look after her like he can.

i'm hurting both of us.
but i can't stop.
god, i can't stop.