Our Version of Events (BWWM)

one

one

dani

This is it.

I always imagined it would end this way, me finally giving up the fight and ending it all here on Old John's Pier where the bridge connects the city and the country-side of Weston. There's a good view of the boardwalk and the small Ferris wheel that's too rusty and old to ride and has ancient yellow caution tape around it. It used to be my favorite ride at the pier, I'd always hoped my cart would stop at the very top. Being in the air like that made me feel invincible. Like I had complete control over everything that was happening. On top of that Ferris wheel has to be one of my happier moments. On top of this bridge, one of my sadder ones.

Back then I was young and clueless. I wish I was still clueless. I wish that things never changed. I wish that nothing had to get this far. I wish I never had to feel like all the problems would wash away if I washed away first. I wish I was normal and thought happy thoughts. Maybe I'd have a boyfriend. Maybe I would have more friends, instead of just Remi. She's a good friend though, a friend I already said goodbye to. A friend who probably was calling my phone and racing down the road in her mother's brand new Mercedes Benz, which she wasn't allowed to drive because she didn't have a license. If I thought normal, she wouldn't be doing that though, risking her life for mine.

I stare off into the river water, the moonlight reflecting off of it leaving the murky brown water to appear blue and iridescent. I'm sitting on the railing of the small bridge-dangling my feet. I wonder when I jump off and someone finds my body will they name this bridge after me like they do in the scary movies. Like "Suicide Bridge" or "Dead Man's Bridge." That's probably stupid to think, no one cares if some black teenage girl jumps off a bridge in the middle of the night. I wonder when I die will my soul remain sitting on this railing as torture of my selfish act. I wonder will my mother care, or will she blame it on herself. I won't say it's her fault completely, but she's definitely on the list.

I've probably been sitting here for almost an hour. I can feel it in my back. My butt hurts. I should jump already. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, it knows what I'm doing is wrong. I know what I'm doing is wrong, but can I let that stop me? Growing up I always was afraid of "suicide", but right now, it was my best friend. I took a deep breath as the humid, hot Texas air weakly blew against my face, sending my short hair flying all around my head. I usually kept it in some type of style, but lately, I haven't cared enough to do anything. Besides, it's summer, no need to look decent when I'm always inside. My heart is beating louder now, and my urge to jump is growing stronger. Tears streak down my cheeks as I remember why I'm here in the first place.

All my life things have always felled to shit. Bad things always led their way to me. Sweet old Dani has always been the victim but has never played it. No one ever gave me the chance to. Not my mother at least. The tears grow thicker and stream quickly out of my eyes. My father would be torn if he knew all the things I went through. The thoughts that flashed around in my head. He'd be furious to see me on this railing, giving up. The one thing I promised him I'd never do.

I suppose I was younger than when I made that promise. I used to be that young girl at the top of the Ferris wheel, invincible and spontaneous. That girl isn't the same girl sitting on this railing. This girl is much sadder and broken. The complete opposite the two are, but that's the way life was. One minute you're good and the next everything is all bad.

I stare down at the water. I put rocks in my pocket so I can drown faster. I took a couple of sleeping pills in case I forgot why I was here and tried to back out. They hadn't kicked in yet, but I don't doubt that they won't make an appearance soon.

"This is it," I whisper, trying to convince my body to work with my brain. I take my hands off the railing and scoot my body to the edge of it. I let myself lean forward and I can almost feel that I'm about to fall; however, the sound of an approaching car interrupts me. I jump in fear, causing me to lurch forward, leaving me to fall to my death in the lazy currents of the river. I let out a scream, but my heart is beating so loud I can barely hear myself. I flail my arms to catch the railing. At first, I'm only grasping at air, but soon my hand makes contact with old rusted metal. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this wasn't it. I hang from the railing, my breathing unsteady and my face wet with tears and sweat.

From over the bridge a face appears in front of the light that's casted off of the car. I expected Remi, but instead it was a boy. A boy whose hand was outstretched towards me, and a face stained by fear and uncertainty. Everything slowly became a blur. Soon I heard my name and I could feel my hands sliding from the railing. The pills were kicking in. My body felt heavier and I doubt the rocks weren't much of a help. I couldn't make out his face, his body now more of a silhouette.

"Dani! Take my hand!" the boy yelled, urgency in his voice. He sounded familiar. "Dani! Take my hand!" he repeated. I heard him, but my eyes were closed. My heartbeat slowed, but I still could hear it over the boy's yelling. "Dani!"

I let go. This is it.