Delusions

61

Here's To What We Could Not Be

Those days were beautiful when I thought I had everything I could possibly want. An ardent companion- someone to share my deepest secrets with, someone who could give me the compassion that healed my heart and filled all holes with a positive spirit.

But we are still together - in my heart, in my thoughts and in that beautiful world that only exists in my mind. We still hold hands and go for long walks where we discuss the meaning of life. You still read poetry to me and tell me about the political scenario of the world. I still rest my head on your shoulder when I am tired and sleepy. You still kiss me when I am so engrossed in talking that I am taken by surprise.

Only you don't. I see you in the hallway, steps away from me but you are no longer mine to hold. You are no longer the arms that will hug me and spin me around till I erupt in peals of laughter. You are no longer the eyes that will bore into mine until I break into a smile that answers every question you had. You are no longer the lips on my forehead that will comfort me in my darkest hour.

But we are still together. In my heart, our journey never stopped. The wind still blows ferociously at the seaside. The run rays are falling like rain on the radiant happiness that is us. I still take pride in belonging to you. I am still the luckiest girl on the face of the earth.

Only you don't. We don't talk these days. And when we do, we are just lying to each other and ourselves. We don't fight, argue or blame - we care far too much about each other to cause any further hurt. We don't look at each other - because we cannot see what we have done to each other. That feeble voice that you hear, quieter than the light footsteps of passing time - you know that isn't me. That voice that can't speak more than three words in a go, that isn't yours either. But we have masks. We pretend. We pretend that we aren't dying to run to each other and collapse into the tightest of hugs. We pretend that our chest doesn't hurt from all the memories that are scattered everywhere.

But we are still together - laughing, thinking, planning, hoping. We still sit by the lake and think about what it could be like. We still think about the day all your dreams will come true. Your fingers still fit the spaces between mine perfectly. You still look at me with the most honest look in your eyes.

Only you don't. Because maybe you don't care anymore. Maybe it doesn't haunt you late at night, while you lie curled in a ball - unable to sleep. Maybe it doesn't hit you like a thousand piercing needles every time you see something that was ours. Maybe it doesn't pain you that the codewords you and I had mean nothing now. Maybe you made your choice.

But when you made YOUR choice, I made MINE. And I chose US - in my heart, in my mind. And in the place that no grief can never touch us, we still raise a toast. A toast to everything that we could not be. Here's to what we could not be.