Of course my name is not Vlad!
Did you really picture me as the good old Slavic vampire? The dandy kind, with an obnoxious goatee, an eyeglass and a pocket-watch tucked into my vest?
Vlad is just an homage; one that should ring a bell, if you have a bit of culture.
I know, I'm reaching here.
I could have chosen any other name. Maybe it would have been easier on you if I had used Lestat or Armand. I could have used Edward too - but please, I have some taste. Why not Blade, while you're at it...
No! I chose Vlad. Vlad III Vasarb. Vlad Tepes, "The Impaler!"
He would have been a likable human... if all the legends were true, that is.
But that prince was just as boring as all the rest of his species. Sure, he impaled a few people that pissed him off, but it didn't happen that often... Not enough to earn the name "Dracula."
"Son of the Dragon!"
"Son of the Devil!"
People are so juvenile that they need to give nicknames to their nightmares. Pitiful!
I blame the stupidity of humanity... And Bram Stoker.
I blame Copola, too! That movie was a joke. Becoming a vampire out of love? Are you kidding me? And the hair cut... Have you seen the haircut?
If you saw the two hour long, boring piece of crap, you may want to say:
"He became a vampire because he gave up on God!"
Yes, but out of love! So shut up.
And, by the way, do you think God has anything to do with being a vampire?
Fuck! Do you still believe in God? You're so cute...
Anyway...
Little Vlad had a nice place, though. I visited his castle once -when it was for sale- and I was this close to settling in. But it would have been so cliché, don't you think? A gloomy Carpathian castle, overlooking a misty valley filled with wild howling wolves. Please, live with your millennium.
I must admit, I may have served the rumor by leaving some bloodless bodies around. I even ran a pike through a man, from scrotum to nostrils, just for fun. From what I heard, he only died on his way to the hospital.
Vlad would have loved it!
Having a laugh once in a while is as vital as blood, I think.
YOU ARE READING
Vlad's blog: Confessions of a vampire
VampireThis blog is not for you. Don't leave any comments, I won't answer them. I don't give a shit about your opinion. I'm talking to you, but these lines are not intended for you. You can judge me if you like. Maybe you won't be able not to. Maybe it's w...
