Vlad's blog: Confessions of a vampire

Tuesday, August 30th 2016

Hey Cattle! Long time, right? Have you missed me ?

Well, I don't give a shit...

You really saw me as a little nerd spending all his time in front of his computer, bitching about his life and what I had for dinner?

Ok, I do like to talk about my food.

Maybe I should start an Instagram account and take the term "food porn" to the next level.

Let me be clear, though. I don't have sex with my prey! The mere idea is disgusting! Do you fuck your chicken before eating it? (That could lead to very nasty stuffing...)

And please, don't start talking about human women giving birth to "half-blood princes"—part human, part vampire. First because, as I said, vampires don't have sex with human, and because even if we did, we couldn't reproduce this way. This is only good for stupid action movies, or even more stupid teen movies...

That said, I'd rather be a badass (and total non-sense) like Blade than the son of Edward and Bella. I would have ripped my mother apart coming to life, just before killing myself in front of the ever-frowning eyes of my father.

But I do have sex.

And the pitiful intercourse of yours is not sex. It's barely a hobby you perform for a few seconds of pleasure (if you're lucky) or to spawn more of your pathetic offspring.

Vampires can spend days tangled in the fight that IS sex. Oh, the violent pleasure of it; the sweet pain. I already killed three partners like that. (Bah! Weaklings...)

I think I have produced some children too, even if I never heard about them. The only infant I saw coming into this world of joy was taken away by his (or her, I can't tell) mother. I know that you're waiting for me to say something like "I hope they're ok" or "I miss them"... Yeah, you know better already.

But wait...

No...

You don't...

You still think that being a vampire is a power of some kind, a curse that could be taken up through a bite, or by drinking vampire blood...

We are a different species! I feed on you! You are food to me! Cattle!

What makes you think I would turn sparrows into falcons?

Let me tell you a short story.

It happened a few years ago. People were still wearing bandanas, so I guess it was the early 90's.

I had found myself a fat teenager for my night cap; the kind of boy that is bullied and doesn't dare to whine about it; the kind of useless pile of meat that is always picked last for the very clever game you call dodge-ball; the kind of boy that was to stay a virgin until some girl fucked him out of pity, or until he gathered enough self loathing and money to seek a hooker... at 35.

Anyway, I fed on him and left what remained in a dark alley. I know it's a bit of a cliché, but sometimes, you just need a greasy snack. He was withering away, moaning in a low voice. I was about to be on my way, when he said something. He asked— no, I think he grew a pair just before dying and he demanded! He ordered! Inconceivable...

"Wait!" he said.

I should have broken his neck right that instant, but I must admit I was curious—and I decided that I could tear his legs off, if this did turn out to be a waste of my time.

"Turn me!"

This must have been one of the longest laughs I've ever had. I think he could have died before I stopped. But he was determined, apparently.

So, I bit my tongue. Literally! I bit my tongue and let my mouth fill with my own blood. Then, I leaned over him and spat in his face.

The fool licked the black fluid like a porn star after a facial.

I stood up and enjoyed the show.

He started to tremble, to convulse, striking hilarious poses, gurgling and choking, eyes popping out of his sockets. His skin turned translucent and his every vein turned black. What remained of his own blood started to pour out of every orifice, soon replaced by a darker fluid. Now that I think of it, maybe Ebola was created under similar circumstances...

I knew better than let it go further. I couldn't risk it... So I grabbed his hair and smashed his head against the nearest wall till brain tissues splattered in every direction.

I think I laughed some more under the shower I took afterwards.

He would have turned all right...

Just not into a vampire.